The boys woke us up at 7a.m. on Christmas morning. I was absolutely exhausted and in an incredible amount of pain. I didn't want to take anything because I wanted to be able to drive down to the hospital later, so I toughed it out with ibuprofen. Once I was able to pump, get my pain under control and get myself out of bed, I made my way out to the living room so that we could open presents together.
I wanted to keep the morning as normal as possible for the boys because they were so excited. I tried to get a video of their reaction when they came down the hall like I always do, but the excitement just wasn't there for me. I felt like a piece of me was missing and I didn't want to celebrate. I wanted so badly for Paige to be back inside my tummy and it literally took every ounce of emotional strength that I had to not break down and cry.
I couldn't focus on opening presents and didn't really care about what was going on around me. I pretended to be excited so that the boys could enjoy the day, but I was dying inside. I remember it being difficult for me to lay there because I was so anxious. I was glued to my phone waiting for the next update from Paige's nurse. The anxiety was so emotionally draining. Not just that day, but for the next 30 days. On top of that I was in pain and physically exhausted as well.
After we finished opening gifts, the boys played and I attempted to get up to get myself dressed, but the exhaustion had caught up with me. I knew that I had to try to take care of myself so that I could be strong enough to be there for Paige and I knew that I wouldn't be in a good place mentally if I didn't sleep, so I attempted to nap. I felt okay sleeping for a bit after I received updates that Paige was stable.
At one point, they sent me a video. I opened it up and it was a video of her little left eye opening for the first time! I was SO excited! I jumped up at ran over to show Mike and the boys. To that point, her eye's had been fused, so for her eye to open on Christmas morning was the ultimate Christmas present. I couldn't wait to get down there to see it for myself!
At around 12:00 I was finally able to get myself ready to head down to the hospital. The boys were still busy playing. I wanted so badly to sit and watch them play with their toys, I just wanted Christmas to be normal... but it was anything but that. I was anxious and worried and I needed to be with Paige, but I felt like I needed to be with the boys too. The boys were always so sweet about me going to the hospital and didn't mind me leaving. They knew their baby sister needed someone there with her.
I drove down to the hospital and ran up to the NICU. I couldn't wait to see her and do her cares so that I could see her little eye open. When I arrived at her bedside, I got my update from the doctors and spent the morning holding her hand. As soon as it was time for cares, I had the nurse turn down the lights so that we had the best chance at seeing that perfect little eyeball. I gently woke her up, but being her stubborn self, she kept those eyes as tight as she could. I don't blame her one bit! After cares I sat by her side for the rest of the day and into the evening.
My family was having Christmas dinner that night and I was feeling guilty for being away from my boys, so I headed over to my parents to eat real quick. Again, the anxiety was so overwhelming while I was away, I could barely function. After I finished eating, they begged me to sit down and open presents, but all I could think about was getting back to Paige. Opening gifts for her was like a literal punch in the gut and every gift was more painful than the next.. I was trying my hardest to stay positive, but knowing that there was a chance that she wouldn't ever get to wear the cute outfit or use the stuffed animal tore me apart. After we opened gifts, I sat down to pump before I headed out the door to go back to the hospital.
Before I left the house, I had asked my dad, my brother Skylar and brother in law Jordan to come down to the hospital with us to help Mike give Paige a blessing. They willingly agreed and we all headed down. It was the first time they had gotten to see her and they were all amazed with her size and strength. They gathered around as I sat by her side and Mike gave our beautiful little girl the most peaceful blessing of rest and healing. After the blessing, we felt at peace. My dad and brother's stayed for a while and after they left, we spent the rest of the night quietly by Paige's side, talking to Paige's nurse. I was just so thankful that we made it through Christmas.
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