Before I get into that incredible story, let me start from the beginning of the day... It started out a little rough. Remember when I mentioned previously that the routine head ultrasounds for babies born at her gestational age was at 5 days? Well she turned 5 days old on Christmas day. Since they had gotten that head ultrasound to ease my mind just 3 days earlier, they decided to wait and get the routine scan on the morning of the 26th. I didn't sleep that night, worrying about the results, even though she had a clear head ultrasound just 3 days prior. Anything could have happened in the last 3 days. I asked the nurse to let me know as soon as she had the results. She kept me updated via text throughout the night.
At 1:30 a.m. she let me know that they had gotten in to do cares and did her weight. She weighed 396 grams... 13.9 oz. She had lost weight as expected. I didn't panic at that point because the rest of her update was positive. She was stable on her oxygen and her blood gasses, most of her labs and other vital signs had remained stable. There was one change that did catch my attention and made me extremely nervous- a shift in her I:T ratio- which could mean one of two things;
1. Residual effects on Paige's bone marrow from my preeclampsia
2. Infection
I was so worried about the I:T ratio, that I didn't even notice that the nurse had texted back that Paige's head ultrasound had resulted and that it was all clear! I was elated, but in the back of my mind I couldn't stop thinking about that lab result. The Nurse reassured me that for the time being, they weren't super concerned about infection. Paige's temperature was normal and all other vital signs were looking great. I just couldn't shake the feeling of worry though.
When I got to the hospital the morning of December 26th, I was exhausted and in tears after worrying all night about her lab results. I asked the nurse if Paige's Doctor or Nurse Practitioner could come discuss the results with me. I explained my concerns and I asked them why they weren't digging a little more into why the I:T was shifted. I asked them why they weren't doing blood cultures or other tests to make sure she didn't have an infection. The nurse practitioner explained that when mom's have severe pre-eclampsia, the babies bone marrow production can be suppressed and as it's trying to catch up, the I:T can appear shifted. Even though I still felt deep down that something was wrong, I relented because well, I'm not the doctor or nurse practitioner and they obviously know more than me. If I could go back and fight it, I would do it in a heart beat. But more on that later.
Paige had been pretty stable that morning. So stable, in fact that they were talking about letting me hold her that evening! She had been under the bilirubin lights since the day she was born, and her levels had improved enough that they were able to turn those off. They also removed the arterial line going into her belly button. We couldn't hold her until that was removed because the line was in her umbilical artery, so we were so happy to have that out.
I was terrified to hold her because I didn't want to hurt her, accidentally pull our her breathing tube, or take her out of the incubator and expose her to the cold air or any sicknesses floating around. But they reminded me that being close to her mom was the best thing for her. It could help her heal, improve her vital signs, and help her to feel more relaxed. So all that day I looked forward with so much anticipation to holding her that evening. I couldn't wait to have her back with me. I still wished so badly that she was still growing inside instead of going through what she was going through.
The time finally came at about 8 o' clock that evening! Mike had taken the boys to a hot springs with my family, so I called him and told him to hurry down after they were done, so that he could be here when we took her out.
When he arrived around 9 o' clock, the staff gathered into her room to help us get her out. It may seem pretty easy to get a 14 oz baby out of an incubator, but its no easy feat. They had to have 2 RT's and 2 RN's there to help us. In order to take her out, she needed to be wrapped in plastic to help preserve her body temperature, she also had to have a thermal hat on because babies loose most of their heat through their head. They had me pick her up while the RN's watched the IV lines, and and the RT's watch the breathing tube. They were also watching her vital signs to make sure she could handle the transfer. I remember picking her up and putting her on my chest and it literally felt like nothing was there, she was so teeny tiny. They pulled the reclining chair up to me and I slowly sat down, all the while holding her little body on my chest. The nurses and RT's helped get her and I situated into a comfortable position. They stuffed pillows under both arms and taped her tubes to my shoulders to hold them in place. Once we were settled and everyone left, I just cried. It felt so good to have my little girl back with me. All my worries disappeared and Mike and I just enjoyed the moment. I got to hold her for 3 hours and they were right, her oxygen sats improved and she relaxed more than she ever had.
It took every thing I had to put her back and say goodbye for the night, but around midnight we had to get her back in. Babies that size need to be under humidity because of the fragility of their skin, so we were only able to hold her for 3 hours. I wanted more than ever to just keep her close. It was so hard to let her go. But I was so happy that I got to spend 3 hours holding our little girl and hopefully helping her feel safe, comforted and beyond loved. It's one of the most special memories I've ever had in my life.
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