"Believe in miracles, hope is never lost." Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
Paige is a miracle. Her birth was a miracle. I can't think of another word that better describes that day. I know without a doubt that our Heavenly Father was in that operating room with us, He was in the NICU as well. He blessed Paige with strength that I'll never understand, He comforted Michael and I, and He guided every single one of those medical professional's hands.
At 4:30 a.m., the morning of December 20th, the nurse came in to let me know that Dr. West had called to check on me. She had informed him of the troubles I experienced just a few hours before... the blood pressure issues, the chest pain, the cold sweats, everything. She let me know that it was now official-he was going to schedule the C-Section for noon. Those words were indescribable to hear. I was sick to my stomach. I knew it was coming, but for some reason when I heard those words it became real. I broke down and I asked her if she could ask the Neonatologist to come talk to us as soon as possible that morning. We wanted a plan in place.
At around 7:00 a.m., Dr. West came into see me. He sat down on the edge of my bed with his head hung and tears in his eyes. He told us that he felt horrible for everything and that he didn't know what else to do. We had literally tried all of our options. He told us that he had in fact, scheduled the C-section for noon, but that he didn't want us to feel boxed in by that time. He had consulted with the Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist again that morning, just to make sure there were no other options. The specialist told him that he would be willing to let me try increasing my dose of oral lebetalol one more time to the absolute maximum to see if that worked, but if it didn't, which it most likely wouldn't, they were going to make the decision for us... delivery was going to happen on the 21st. So we were given the choice... delivery today, or try the medication.
Mike and I had spent most of the night awake, praying for comfort and guidance and we felt the spirit so strongly that morning telling us that it was time. We didn't want it to be time, but at that point, we felt like we had tried everything we possibly could. We all knew that small adjustment to my medication wasn't going to work. That specific medication never touched my blood pressures, even the IV form they had given me a few nights prior, so we knew that giving me one more little pill wasn't going to make a difference now. We could chance trying something we knew wasn't going to work and put both Paige and I's life in danger or we could go with our gut. We all (Mike, the Doctors and I) had the feeling that if we didn't get her delivered soon, something bad was going to happen to both of us.
Soon after Dr. West arrived, Dr. Merchant, the wonderful Neonatologist walked in. I'll always remember that moment. We sat in the dark, with only a small light shining from the bathroom and all four of us were in tears as we talked about what would happen and what to expect that day. We again, had the same painful conversation that we had just a few days prior. Dr. Merchant told us that Paige would be faced with many challenges and that we could chose whether we wanted them to throw the book at her, meaning have them do everything possible, or we could chose to do comfort care only and let her pass peacefully. They needed us to make the decision before the delivery because if we decided to do everything possible, they needed time to assemble the NICU team and prepare for Paige over in the NICU. They wanted everyone and everything on board to make sure they could give her the best shot. But if we decided not to proceed with extraordinary measures, they wanted to be sure to give us our privacy and let us be with our daughter.
Dr. Merchant told us that if we did decide to proceed with comfort measures only, that we needed to be prepared for the fact that Paige would very likely come out crying and that she could possibly live for several hours. The second she said that, we knew that was absolutely not an option! If she came out crying and wanting to fight, we were going to have them do everything they possibly could. How could you not? I think the thing we were struggling with, was what to do if she didn't come out breathing, crying and vigorous. We knew we didn't want to put Paige through a painful resuscitation because she probably wouldn't survive it being as little as she was. We didn't want them pounding on her little chest, shoving tubes down her throat or pumping epinephrine into her. So we made the decision that if she came out crying and moving around that we were going to have them try everything they could for her, including intubation... but if she required any CPR or Epinepherine, we did not want to proceed.
Before she left, Dr. Merchant did something that I'll never forget. Something that touched my heart that day and still does today. She took out her cell phone and showed us a video of a beautiful, blonde haired little girl playing the piano in a piano recital. She told us that little girl was a 400 gram (14oz) baby that she had taken care of just a few years ago. Today she was a typical, healthy little girl, playing the piano. For the first time, we had a glimmer of hope that Paige could beat this. She could be that miracle, too.
Dr. West and Dr. Lee the specialist had given us time to think about if we wanted to try the extra oral pill that night or if we wanted to proceed with the 12:00 c-section time. Dr. Lee came back in at about 9:00 and asked us if we had made a decision. We told him what we had decided and what the plan was going to be for Paige. It was officially happening. I wasn't okay with it, but the unfortunate and heartbreaking thing was that we didn't have any other choice.
The charge nurse from the NICU texted me and told me they were getting everything ready for Paige and let me know who was going to be on the delivery. Dr. Merchant, Dr. Thornton, Bryanna and Jen the Nurses, and Terra the RT. I was so relieved to know that there would be such a great team there to help Paige.
Bryanna came over to talk to me not long after the doctors left. She was so sweet and reassuring. She sat and held my hand and we talked about everything. I cried and she listened and tried to comfort me. She told me that they were going to be there and that they were going to do everything they could to give Paige the best start. I remember feeling so comforted by our conversation and I will forever appreciate her coming to talk to me. I could see the love and concern in her face and it meant so much to me. I knew my NICU team had our back 110% and that they loved and cared for us. I'm so grateful for my wonderful work family. Paige was in the very best hands.
After Bryanna left, I just laid in my bed and didn't move for several hours. I was in complete shock. I remember just staring out the window, watching everyone outside. It was the Thursday before Christmas and everyone was hustling and bustling around, eagerly anticipating the holidays. I could see into the offices across the street and everyone had their little Christmas sweaters on. No one knew that I was up here, just about to deliver my daughter 4 months early. No one knew how scared we were. I just wanted to be out there with them, getting ready to celebrate Christmas... not in that hospital room in the situation I was in. Just a week ago I was at home wrapping presents, watching Christmas movies without a care in the world. Now look where I was.
We pulled the boys out of school that day, so they could be at the hospital when Paige was born. We didn't know what was going to happen and we wanted them there no matter what. We had Mike's dad bring them up and we again sat them down and told them what was happening. They were excited to meet their baby sister, but scared that she might not be okay. It was so hard explaining to them that she might not make it and I hated that we had to. No parent should have to go through the heartbreak of telling their kids something like that.
After we got done talking to the boys, the rest of our family slowly trickled in. When my mom walked into my room, she took one look at me and instantly started to panic... She said, "Mike, she needs a blessing right now!" She said (later) that I looked awful...I was pale and had big dark circles under my eyes. She felt like something was going to happen to me and it scared her to death. After hearing her and several others say that after the fact, I knew that I was sicker than I ever thought I was.
At around 11:30, they came in to prep me for the C-section. They asked me a lot of questions that I don't remember. While they were doing that, they started me on magnesium and fluids. The nurse anesthetist told me what was going to happen when we got to the delivery room with the spinal, and all of the monitoring. He told me he would have medications on hand in case anything were to happen (Nausea, fainting, etc.). Before they had me transfer over to the stretcher to take me down, everyone left and Mike and my dad gave me a blessing. I don't remember what was said, everything was such a blur and I was so scared, but I do remember feeling comforted.
All the medical staff came back in and they got me over to the stretcher. Our families said goodbye before they headed down to the waiting room. I will never forget my mom's face as she begged for them to take care of me.
We left my room and they wheeled me down the hallway towards the OR. There were so many times that I wanted so bad to just yell, "STOP!!! DON'T DO THIS! LETS GO BACK AND FIGURE THIS OUT!" My brain knew the reality of it all and that there was nothing else that could be done, but my heart could hardly bear what was about to happen. I was dying inside.
When we got to the outside of the operating room, I was beside myself. We were going to be in the same room that I delivered my boys in. We had always had such happy memories there. When we found out I was pregnant with Paige, I remember anticipating the day we'd get to be back in that room to have our 3rd and final baby. Now here we were, in the worst situation possible.
Mike had to wait outside while I got my spinal and until they draped everything. I did not want to be alone but the medical staff all reassured me it was going to be okay. Before I went in, Mike and I just sat there and hugged and cried together. I told him I didn't want to go in there and that I didn't want to do this. He told me that everything was going to be okay and that we would get through this together.
When they opened the doors to wheel me in, I lost it. I just started hysterically crying. I felt SO guilty. The most intense guilt that I have ever experienced in my life. How could I let this happen? I didn't want them to take her out. I wanted her to stay in my belly and I wanted to grow her more! She had no idea what was coming and I felt awful. She was perfect and my body was rejecting her. I wondered how I got there and why I was being forced to go through this. I wondered if she would be okay. So many thoughts were running through my head. I just wanted it to be the worst nightmare I'd ever had, but it wasn't. It was real life and I had to face it no matter how desperately I just wanted to run away and hide.
They transferred me over to the table and soon after, my doctor came in. He held me as they put the spinal in. He kept saying over and over, "You're doing amazing. It's going to be okay and you're going to get through this." I'm telling you, he's the best doctor in the world. As soon as they successfully got the spinal in, Dr. West pushed morphine into my IV and helped me lay down. As I laid down on the cold, hard table he shouted out... "Okay lets get the NICU team in here." They put all of the drapes up and I just laid there, helpless, crying and scared out of my mind. I was screaming inside, screaming at myself to tell them to stop.
My memory is off an on from there, but the next thing I remember was Mike, Bryanna, Terra and the NICU doctors coming in and rushing over to reassure me, as Dr. West started the surgery. I started to feel nauseated and asked the nurse anesthetist to please give me something. I didn't let him know fast enough because I started throwing up. I remember trying to grab onto something to brace myself and almost knocking over the poles that were holding the drapes. It's the worst feeling to throw up when you can't feel your stomach. I also noticed my heart rate dropping pretty low. Later they told me it was in the 20's and they had to give me medication to bring it up. No wonder I felt like I was going to pass out. Mike was so worried about me and kept asking me if I was okay. I kept telling him I was fine.
It wasn't long before I felt the familiar pressure of them pushing on my belly. I knew she was coming and I was so scared of which way it would go. Was this going to be the happiest moment of our life, or the worst moment we've ever experienced?
At 12:31 p.m. on December 20th, 2018 we learned the answer to those questions. Behind that blue drape, I heard the sweetest sound I had ever heard in my life. A teeny, tiny little cry. Our sweet Paige Lorraine was here! She weighed 14oz and was just 10 inches long. (Sorry for the graphic video... I was able to crop everything out in the pictures but not the video. I wanted everyone to hear her amazing cry!)
The warmer was directly to the left of my head, but I couldn't really see what was going on because there were so many people around trying to help her. I was also still dealing with some nausea and feeling a little woozy. Dr. Merchant and Bryanna kept me updated, while Dr. Thornton, Terra and Jen worked on her. Mike was back and forth wanting to make sure his baby girl was okay, but also worrying about me. At one point Dr. West told Mike, "I got your wife, she's okay, go be with your baby!"
After a few minutes, the NICU team told me that she was still breathing on her own with only the help of a little CPAP... I couldn't believe my ears! Not only that, but she was only needing 30% oxygen. I was beyond relieved. I thought for sure that she would need to be intubated (have a breathing tube put in) immediately, but she proved us all wrong! I then heard a little more excitement... She had pooped! Not only that, but she pooped about half her weight (not literally, but it sure looked like it, haha!).
"Behold your little ones and see within them the wonders of God, from whose presence they have recently come." -Gordon B. Hinckley
