20 Week Ultrasound-23 Weeks 6 Days

23 weeks pregnant

From week 14 until week 20 everything stayed fairly stable. At my 14 week appointment, my doctor wanted to do a urine protein test to get my baseline so that if it started to rise later, we'd know where we started. It was a little higher than he would have liked, but it wasn't so out of range that it was worrisome at that point. He assumed my kidneys had probably taken a hit from my previous pregnancies. Because everything else had been going pretty good, I had actually forgotten about it to be quite honest.

In the meantime, I was keeping close track of my blood pressures at home and they were super stable in the 130's/80's. I was pretty happy with that. With Brooks, my blood pressures started to get out of control at 13 weeks. I was actually in the hospital with him a lot more by this point, so I thought for sure my pregnancy with Paige was going to go off without a hitch. I would take my blood pressures two to three times a day and write them on a little log that I had made. That way, if anything started to get out of whack, I could catch it quickly, call my doctor and we could start medication. Everything seemed to be going perfect.

At 20 weeks we went in for our anatomy scan. It was the day before Thanksgiving. I had been pretty nervous for this ever since our genetic screens came back weird. We wanted to include the boys, but I had this intense fear of something being wrong after everything that had happened. We almost decided not to bring them. In fact, we had decided that we were going to leave them home that day and pay to do a scan at a 3D place at 28 weeks so that we could make sure everything was okay and then it would be a good experience for everyone. At the last minute, we decided to bring them. I am so glad we did. Because it would be our last happy scan.

We went in and we were so excited. I was still nervous, but she started at the head and that measured perfectly, with no abnormalities, then she moved to the heart and so on... everything looked and measured right on track. The boys were glued to the screen with great big smiles as they watched their sweet baby sister kicking around. Jace was amazed with her little heart. Brooks loved her little face. I wanted them to check and make sure she was still a girl. She was :) They were such well behaved little gentlemen. It is one of my most happy and favorite memories.

After the scan, we were so relieved. I don't think any of us could have been smiling any bigger. We went to see my doctor right after and my blood pressure was a little elevated. No big deal... it's always elevated at the doctor. I have horrible white coat syndrome. I told him what my blood pressures had been at home and because of the high reading they got at the office, he decided to put me on a low dose of blood pressure medication. That way we could get on top of it and if we needed to adjust we had room to spare. Everything else looked great and he was pleased with the scan.

We left the office and went to straight to Fred Meyers to pick out Paige's first outfits. I had been dreaming of shopping in the girl section for my entire life, so as soon as we found out for sure she was a girl, that's the first place we headed. Each of us picked out an outfit for her. The boys were so excited that they got to pick out something for their baby sister. They both kept coming up saying, "mom look how cute this is!" I was absolutely dying.

Brooks picked out the little cat slippers, Jace picked out the little jammies that say "Beary Sweet", Mike picked out the adorable flowered sweater and I picked out the most adorable outfit with bows to match. It was seriously one of the best days of my life just watching how excited my boys were. They had wanted a baby sister for a long time and they were going to be the best big brothers.

The next week or so went great. We spent Thanksgiving with our families, I took it easy and had no issues. I felt a lot of pressure and pelvic pain if I overdid it, and I was still sicker than a dog, but other than that there wasn't much to complain about.

Thanksgiving 2018 at 20 weeks 4 days. 

At about 22 weeks I noticed that my blood pressures were starting to get higher. Around 140's/90's. I called the office the minute I found out that they were rising. They called back later that day and weren't concerned at all. They told me that they wanted to keep my medications at the same dosage. I thought that was a little strange, but 140's/90's wasn't super crazy for me so I understood. I continued to keep a close eye on them, but maybe not as close as I should have. One thing I did notice and I had mentioned it to several people was that I felt like my belly wasn't as big as I remember it being with the boys at this point. I thought maybe it was just because I had been so sick and hadn't been able to eat as much, I really wasn't super concerned. I was happy with my blood pressures and still so optimistic that this would be my best pregnancy yet.

At 23 weeks and 5 days I had gone to Mike's school Christmas party and stopped by Walmart on the way home with the boys to get a Christmas gift. When I got home, I got the boys ready for bed and we watched a movie, it was a Friday night and Mike was working. At around midnight the movie got over, the boys had fallen asleep, so I helped them into their beds. I felt a familiar pressure in my chest that I had felt in my previous pregnancies when my blood pressure would get super high. I decided to check my pressures... it was 160's/110's. I propped my arm up, laid down for a good 10 minutes and checked it again. It was still 160's/100's and wouldn't come down.

Watching movies with my boys.The night things started going wrong.

I called Mike and told him I was worried, but thought maybe I had just done too much that night. I took a sleeping pill (one approved for pregnancy) and went to bed. I don't know what it is about night time, but my blood pressures always shot way up at night, even when I was pregnant with the boys.

When I woke up the next morning my blood pressure was back in the 120's over 80's. I checked it several times and it stayed within normal range. I was relieved. I spent the day taking it easy and that afternoon we had my nephews birthday party to go to so I got up and got ready.

We went to the birthday party and everyone was asking how the pregnancy was going. Mike's dad always called her by her name and I loved it. He said, "How's Paige doing?" I was so happy to report that everything had been going really well. I told them about my weird blood pressure readings the night before, but that I wasn't concerned because they had come back down. I remember just talking about Paige and how excited our family was for a sweet baby girl. I would have never guessed things weren't okay.

After the party, we were invited to go out to Chinese so we went before Mike had to go to work. We had a nice dinner and afterwards Mike's sister had invited the boys to spend the night with their cousins. I wasn't looking forward to spending the night by myself since Mike was working, but I decided to let them go. I dropped them off and right as I was leaving my mom called and asked if I wanted to go to a movie. She knew I was going to be alone that night and wanted to keep me company. I told her I was pretty tired and had started feeling that chest and stomach pressure again, but I also didn't want to be by myself so we decided that I'd come over, we'd check my blood pressure and if it were okay, we would go to the movie.

I drove over to my parents house and sat down in their recliner next to the Christmas tree. I was feeling pretty strong chest pressure at that point. It was making me a little nervous. I relaxed for a few minutes before checking my pressure... it was 178/114. I checked it again 10 minutes later and it was even higher. I just started crying. I knew something wasn't right and I was scared, but I never would have imagined what would happen that night and over the next few days.

It's a Girl {September-October 2018}

After we got home from camping, my pregnancy continued to go well for several weeks. I'm always pretty nervous until I get into that second trimester because of the miscarriage risk. But like clockwork at 8 weeks, I started to get morning sickness, or as I like to call it, every minute of the day sickness. I knew that was a good sign. As miserable as it was, being sick always gave me that reassurance that things were progressing.

At 9 weeks, two days before my first doctors appointment, I started to have some complications while I was at work, I thought I was miscarrying. I headed straight to the doctor and they did an ultrasound to check on the baby. Mike wasn't able to be there because he was at school. I was so scared to be by myself. When they put that probe on my belly I was in tears. I thought for sure there wouldn't be anything there. The image started to appear on the screen and I was so relieved and happy to see a tiny little heartbeat and a very active baby. Here's the first picture we got of sweet little Paige. 

They told me that I had a subchorionic hematoma. They are very common and I actually had the same thing happen when I was pregnant with Jace. But even knowing what it was and having experienced it before, it still scared me. I continued to live with the fear that I could lose her.

We went to my scheduled appointment two days later and she still looked great. Her heart rate was high- 190's. The ultrasound tech seemed worried about it and went back to check it several times, but when I asked my doctor he said he told us he wasn't worried. I tried not to stress about it, but of coarse I got on doctor google to look up what could be causing a high heart rate. Not the best idea.

Fast forward four weeks to my 13 week appointment. We chose to have all of the genetic testing done. I've always done all of the testing with my pregnancies, not because it would change anything, I would love my baby unconditionally regardless of anything. I just always had the thought that if something were going on, I'd want to know as soon as possible so that I could prepare myself emotionally and have all the resources available to help my baby have the best life possible.

They performed the ultrasound of the neck and it measured perfectly. Her heart rate was back down and everything looked good. I stopped by the lab on my way out to get the coinciding blood work drawn. I didn't think a thing about the lab work the rest of the day or over the weekend.

Monday morning came around and I got up to take my boys to school. I left my cell phone on the counter by accident. When I got home 10 minutes later I had a message from my doctor. He told me not to worry just yet, but that my genetic screening had come back with an increased risk of down syndrome. 1 in 89 chance. For my age that was high. I was absolutely beside myself. I immediately called them right back, barely able to speak through my panic and tears. I asked them what we do from here. They told me I could wait to do the second round of the genetic testing at 17 weeks, or come in that day and have a special test drawn called the maternit21. It's a test that's about 99% accurate in detection of chromosomal abnormalities and that I qualified for insurance to cover it because of my high risk lab results. I told them I couldn't wait, I wanted the test done right away. 

I got dressed and headed into the office. I balled all the way there and just sat there and cried as I waited for them to call my name. In hindsight, it seems so silly now. So many worse things could and DID happen, but at that moment my world was crashing down thinking that something might be wrong with my baby. I loved her so much and I couldn't help but think about all the scary complications this could entail.

They drew my blood and told me that it would take a week for the results to come back. I thought that was the worst week of my life. I laid on the couch and just cried. I was so anxious I couldn't sleep or eat. I spent countless hours researching online, which only made my anxiety worse.

The next Monday morning I had waited long enough. It had been 7 days and I couldn't stand it any longer. I messaged my doctor to ask if he had heard anything. About an hour later, my phone rang. It was the doctors office. I was shaking so bad I couldn't even pick up the phone. I finally answered and the nurse told me that the genetic testing had come back and that it was negative for all chromosomal abnormalities.

I was so incredibly relieved. The nurse told me that although it was a very accurate test, that it was still a screening. I knew that I wouldn't be able to relax until my 20 week ultrasound when I found out that everything was okay with the anatomy scan, and even then I don't think I would truly be able to breathe a sigh of relief until my baby came out okay.

While I was on the phone with her she told me that she had the gender results and asked if I wanted to know. Through all the stress I had completely forgotten that when I had my blood drawn the week before, they told me that this test would be able to tell us early if our sweet baby was a boy or a girl. I was so excited! As tempting as it was to find out right then, I asked her if she could put the results in an envelope so we could do a fun gender reveal with the boys, we hadn't even told them I was pregnant yet. I told her I would be in to pick it up. I also asked if I could just come in and hear our baby's heartbeat. After everything that's all I wanted to hear.

I went in at noon and the doctor came in with the doppler and I just sat there and cried as I listened to her heart beating away. I laid there for a good 5 minutes. I was so happy everything was okay with her. On my way out, I grabbed the gender results at the front desk.

We did a cute little scavenger hunt to tell the boys they were going to be big brothers. I had dreamt about this day for such a long time and had been all over pinterest trying to find ideas. They were so excited! After we told them the news, we told them that we had another surprise... a big balloon for them to pop so that we could find out if they were going to have a little brother or a little sister. We initially wanted to do a big gender reveal party after our 20 week ultrasound, but that obviously didn't go as planned with everything that had just happened. I remember we were just aching for some happy news and Michael and I both felt we couldn't wait to find out any longer... so we decided that we just wanted it to be the 4 of us that night when we found out. I'm so glad we did it that way. (sorry most of these pictures are still shots from videos, so they're kind of blurry)

I can’t quite explain the complete elation we felt, especially me! In my house full of boys, I would finally have my girl and we would get to do all the fun girl stuff every mom dreams of! Bows, hair, cute clothes, dress up, princess movies, shopping, school dances, eventually planning her wedding, throwing her baby showers and witnessing the birth of her children.

That night, we drove to all of our families to tell them the news. My mom was so excited to have her the first grand-baby girl. She went out the next day and bought me a pink maternity top, and some cute pink bows and pacifiers. Mike's parents were so excited for us too!

Over the next several weeks, I couldn't help but continue to be worried about why my blood work was off in the first place. It wasn't like that with my boys. It was bugging me so much that I ended up calling the office back later and asked what levels were off in the initial screenings. The nurse told me that a hormone in my blood called PAPP-A was low and my Beta HCG was twice what it should be. I looked it up and that's the first time "Placental Insuffciency" came up. I asked my doctor at my next appointment and he confirmed that the low PAPP-A hormone could be an indicator that I could have problems with the placenta and with my history of hypertension he said he wouldn't be surprised. He wasn't extremely worried about it. My blood pressures to that point had been amazing. I don't think he or anyone had any idea that this lab was probably the first little sign that something was going very wrong.

From the Very Beginning {July, 2018}

"The past several weeks have been the most difficult days of my life. I have never felt so much emotional pain that it physically hurts. It hurts worse than anything I’ve ever experienced. Worse than any pain I’ve ever felt. Every part of my body hurts. It’s so unbearable that sometimes I don’t think I can make it another minute of the day. I can’t breathe, I can’t think, and I feel like my heart is going to give out at any moment. The worst part of this pain is that it can’t be taken away. It can’t be fixed with medication, it can’t be fixed with visits or kind words from people, it can’t be fixed by getting out and living my life. Right now, I feel like I’m living my life just waiting to die so that I can see you, and in the meantime, living with all of this hurt. That is an extremely painful reality.

People keep telling me, “it will get better with time”, but the only thing that could take all of this away is you. I need you here. I know you’re always with me, but it’s not the same. It’s not the same as physically having you here. Holding you, smelling you, kissing you. My world has been destroyed and I don’t know how to fix it. Not only are you gone, but I feel like I’m gone too. As much as I'm trying, I’m not the same. I’m not the same wife, the same mom, or person in general."

That is part of a six page letter that I wrote to Paige on her first Valentine's Day. Today marks one month that she's been in Heaven. January 24th, 2019, four weeks ago today. The pain is just as real and intense as it was the day that she passed away. The only thing I've found to be some-what comforting, besides praying and talking to her, is doing things that include her. My days are spent looking through her pictures and videos, and the only place I've really gone, besides the cemetery, is to get a pretty box and some photo albums so that I can make a memory box for her. I love sitting down and going through all of her things... they still smell like her. I love talking about her. I love to post pictures of her for everyone to see. I'm so proud to be her momma. The thing I love most though, is writing about her. There's something so incredibly healing and comforting when I get to tell her story and to let my emotions out through writing.

I am a very reserved and private person and Paige's story is so personal and sacred to me. It was extremely difficult to have my baby in the NICU and experience such painful and vulnerable moments in front of my co-workers, and although I only shared a little piece of what happened behind those NICU walls on Facebook and Instagram, I was very hesitant about sharing what I did. I felt like I needed to at the time so that I could have everyone praying for her that I possibly could. We needed all the help we could get. Looking back though, I'm so glad I did. And I feel like, for some reason, I need to share more of her story now. So here I am.

I'm going to pull things from journals, my posts and from the talk I gave at her funeral. For right now though, I'll start from the beginning...

It's such a helpless feeling not to be able to change the past. I want so badly for things to be different. I want to go back to that moment in July when I found out I was pregnant with her. July 26th.

After Brooks was born we knew that we wanted to have a third child, but we had decided that I needed to get through nursing school and get one to two years under my belt as a nurse before we tried to have our last baby. That way, I could just enjoy every last moment of having a new little one at home. We waited 5 long years for her while accomplishing those goals.

That last week of July, I had some exciting things going on. I was working as a NICU nurse at the time and loved it, but had recently decided our family needed a change. On July 25th, I interviewed for a school nurse position and was thrilled to be offered the job on the spot. I was so excited to be able to be on the same schedule as my boys. No more 12 hour shifts, weekends, holidays or summers. I would be taking a significant pay cut, but it was so worth it to me. 

At that point, we had been trying to have another baby for quite a while. After several months of fertility drugs with disappointing results earlier in the year, we had finally accepted the fact that we probably weren't going to have any more children. I had no reason to stay home anymore. The boys were in school full time, so I thought if I could get on their same schedule, I could get the best of both worlds- supporting our family and being around for them more. That is one of the main reasons I chose to interview for the school nurse job. 

July 26th changed all of that, in a good way of coarse. For a week or so prior, I had been feeling extremely tired. I constantly felt as if I had taken a sleeping pill and the effects weren't wearing off. It was the weirdest thing. I thought maybe I was just tired from working too much. I went to my interview on the 25th, and on the 26th out of nowhere, the thought came to my mind that I needed to take a pregnancy test. 

It was late at night when I took that first test, Mike was at work. We had been preparing to go camping for the entire next week and I was exhausted. As I sat on the side of the tub waiting for the results, I noticed a faint double line pop up on the test. It was so faint that I had to hold it up just right in the light to see it. I didn't know if it was really positive or if it was just me seeing things. After about an hour of staring at it, trying to decide if the line was really there or not, I decided I would just take another test in the morning and went to bed. I didn't want to tell Mike what was going on yet.

The next morning I was supposed to go and sign all of the paperwork to start my new job before I headed out of town. I decided that I needed to go to the store and get one of those tests that say "pregnant" or "not pregnant" so that I would know for sure. If I were pregnant, I'd have to seriously reconsider the new job. If I were to have another baby, I didn't want a Monday-Friday job and I knew with my complicated pregnancy history that I didn't want to put our family in a bind financially by taking the pay cut, changing our insurance around, and possibly needing to go on bedrest with no leave saved up.

I went to the store while Mike was out getting things ready to head out of town. He still didn't know what was going on. I came home and took another test. After three long minutes, my suspicions were confirmed. A big "PREGNANT" popped up on the screen. I couldn't believe it! I was so excited that it finally happened, but also had to laugh at the, (what seemed like) HORRIBLE timing. What in the heck was I supposed to do? I just accepted a new job, I'm supposed to sign the paperwork, TODAY. It's so early, I'm maybe 3-4 weeks along...what if I turn down the job and something happens with the pregnancy? 

I brought Mike into the bathroom and showed him the test. There wasn't any time to plan a fun way to tell him. I needed to know what to do. He was SO happy, but I think he also felt a little cheated because I didn't tell him in an exciting way. I asked him what I should do about the job, we were literally about to walk out the door and I was supposed to start the job the Monday after our trip! He didn't know what to do either. We talked about it for a while and we decided that I needed to call my new boss and explain the situation.

I was so scared to call her, but she was extremely understanding. She told me to go on my vacation, take the week to think, and let her know what my decision was as soon as possible.

Even though I got several positive pregnancy tests at home, I wanted my doctor to do a blood test, just to confirm before I made any big decisions. I went to the office, got my blood drawn and stopped at Walgreens on my way out of town to pick up some prenatal vitamins. Mike had left with the boys so they could get a camping spot before dark, so I had three hours to myself on my drive up to think about everything.

I remember thinking that if this was true... if I was really pregnant, how funny God's timing was. I remember smiling when I thought about our family's future and the person this little baby was going to be. And I had a feeling he or she was going to change my life in a big way. I didn't realize how at the time, but all I knew was that I was so happy.  

The doctor's office was going to call me in two days from the time I got my blood drawn to let me know the results.We didn't have cell phone service where we were, so when the time came, I drove down by myself to check my voicemail. As I stood there at that little payphone in the mountains, I learned that the blood test had confirmed the pregnancy. It was finally real and I was absolutely elated! At the same time though, I felt this rush of fear and anxiety come over me. I thought at the time it was because of my pregnancy history and I'm sure some of it was because of that. But it was more intense than I had ever felt.

One thing I know for certain now is that I believe Heavenly Father was trying to tell me from the beginning that something was going to happen. There were several more experiences I had later on as well.

I went back to camp with my exciting little secret and we enjoyed the rest of our camping trip with our family and friends. It was so hard to keep it from everyone. I'm sure they all suspected something was up when I tried to make excuses not to go on motorcycle rides, get into the hot tub or jump off the rock at the river. I'm usually the first one to want to do all of those things.

When I got home, I called my new boss and told her that I wasn't going to be taking the job. My whole world from that point on, would change more than I ever thought possible.