From the Very Beginning {July, 2018}

"The past several weeks have been the most difficult days of my life. I have never felt so much emotional pain that it physically hurts. It hurts worse than anything I’ve ever experienced. Worse than any pain I’ve ever felt. Every part of my body hurts. It’s so unbearable that sometimes I don’t think I can make it another minute of the day. I can’t breathe, I can’t think, and I feel like my heart is going to give out at any moment. The worst part of this pain is that it can’t be taken away. It can’t be fixed with medication, it can’t be fixed with visits or kind words from people, it can’t be fixed by getting out and living my life. Right now, I feel like I’m living my life just waiting to die so that I can see you, and in the meantime, living with all of this hurt. That is an extremely painful reality.

People keep telling me, “it will get better with time”, but the only thing that could take all of this away is you. I need you here. I know you’re always with me, but it’s not the same. It’s not the same as physically having you here. Holding you, smelling you, kissing you. My world has been destroyed and I don’t know how to fix it. Not only are you gone, but I feel like I’m gone too. As much as I'm trying, I’m not the same. I’m not the same wife, the same mom, or person in general."

That is part of a six page letter that I wrote to Paige on her first Valentine's Day. Today marks one month that she's been in Heaven. January 24th, 2019, four weeks ago today. The pain is just as real and intense as it was the day that she passed away. The only thing I've found to be some-what comforting, besides praying and talking to her, is doing things that include her. My days are spent looking through her pictures and videos, and the only place I've really gone, besides the cemetery, is to get a pretty box and some photo albums so that I can make a memory box for her. I love sitting down and going through all of her things... they still smell like her. I love talking about her. I love to post pictures of her for everyone to see. I'm so proud to be her momma. The thing I love most though, is writing about her. There's something so incredibly healing and comforting when I get to tell her story and to let my emotions out through writing.

I am a very reserved and private person and Paige's story is so personal and sacred to me. It was extremely difficult to have my baby in the NICU and experience such painful and vulnerable moments in front of my co-workers, and although I only shared a little piece of what happened behind those NICU walls on Facebook and Instagram, I was very hesitant about sharing what I did. I felt like I needed to at the time so that I could have everyone praying for her that I possibly could. We needed all the help we could get. Looking back though, I'm so glad I did. And I feel like, for some reason, I need to share more of her story now. So here I am.

I'm going to pull things from journals, my posts and from the talk I gave at her funeral. For right now though, I'll start from the beginning...

It's such a helpless feeling not to be able to change the past. I want so badly for things to be different. I want to go back to that moment in July when I found out I was pregnant with her. July 26th.

After Brooks was born we knew that we wanted to have a third child, but we had decided that I needed to get through nursing school and get one to two years under my belt as a nurse before we tried to have our last baby. That way, I could just enjoy every last moment of having a new little one at home. We waited 5 long years for her while accomplishing those goals.

That last week of July, I had some exciting things going on. I was working as a NICU nurse at the time and loved it, but had recently decided our family needed a change. On July 25th, I interviewed for a school nurse position and was thrilled to be offered the job on the spot. I was so excited to be able to be on the same schedule as my boys. No more 12 hour shifts, weekends, holidays or summers. I would be taking a significant pay cut, but it was so worth it to me. 

At that point, we had been trying to have another baby for quite a while. After several months of fertility drugs with disappointing results earlier in the year, we had finally accepted the fact that we probably weren't going to have any more children. I had no reason to stay home anymore. The boys were in school full time, so I thought if I could get on their same schedule, I could get the best of both worlds- supporting our family and being around for them more. That is one of the main reasons I chose to interview for the school nurse job. 

July 26th changed all of that, in a good way of coarse. For a week or so prior, I had been feeling extremely tired. I constantly felt as if I had taken a sleeping pill and the effects weren't wearing off. It was the weirdest thing. I thought maybe I was just tired from working too much. I went to my interview on the 25th, and on the 26th out of nowhere, the thought came to my mind that I needed to take a pregnancy test. 

It was late at night when I took that first test, Mike was at work. We had been preparing to go camping for the entire next week and I was exhausted. As I sat on the side of the tub waiting for the results, I noticed a faint double line pop up on the test. It was so faint that I had to hold it up just right in the light to see it. I didn't know if it was really positive or if it was just me seeing things. After about an hour of staring at it, trying to decide if the line was really there or not, I decided I would just take another test in the morning and went to bed. I didn't want to tell Mike what was going on yet.

The next morning I was supposed to go and sign all of the paperwork to start my new job before I headed out of town. I decided that I needed to go to the store and get one of those tests that say "pregnant" or "not pregnant" so that I would know for sure. If I were pregnant, I'd have to seriously reconsider the new job. If I were to have another baby, I didn't want a Monday-Friday job and I knew with my complicated pregnancy history that I didn't want to put our family in a bind financially by taking the pay cut, changing our insurance around, and possibly needing to go on bedrest with no leave saved up.

I went to the store while Mike was out getting things ready to head out of town. He still didn't know what was going on. I came home and took another test. After three long minutes, my suspicions were confirmed. A big "PREGNANT" popped up on the screen. I couldn't believe it! I was so excited that it finally happened, but also had to laugh at the, (what seemed like) HORRIBLE timing. What in the heck was I supposed to do? I just accepted a new job, I'm supposed to sign the paperwork, TODAY. It's so early, I'm maybe 3-4 weeks along...what if I turn down the job and something happens with the pregnancy? 

I brought Mike into the bathroom and showed him the test. There wasn't any time to plan a fun way to tell him. I needed to know what to do. He was SO happy, but I think he also felt a little cheated because I didn't tell him in an exciting way. I asked him what I should do about the job, we were literally about to walk out the door and I was supposed to start the job the Monday after our trip! He didn't know what to do either. We talked about it for a while and we decided that I needed to call my new boss and explain the situation.

I was so scared to call her, but she was extremely understanding. She told me to go on my vacation, take the week to think, and let her know what my decision was as soon as possible.

Even though I got several positive pregnancy tests at home, I wanted my doctor to do a blood test, just to confirm before I made any big decisions. I went to the office, got my blood drawn and stopped at Walgreens on my way out of town to pick up some prenatal vitamins. Mike had left with the boys so they could get a camping spot before dark, so I had three hours to myself on my drive up to think about everything.

I remember thinking that if this was true... if I was really pregnant, how funny God's timing was. I remember smiling when I thought about our family's future and the person this little baby was going to be. And I had a feeling he or she was going to change my life in a big way. I didn't realize how at the time, but all I knew was that I was so happy.  

The doctor's office was going to call me in two days from the time I got my blood drawn to let me know the results.We didn't have cell phone service where we were, so when the time came, I drove down by myself to check my voicemail. As I stood there at that little payphone in the mountains, I learned that the blood test had confirmed the pregnancy. It was finally real and I was absolutely elated! At the same time though, I felt this rush of fear and anxiety come over me. I thought at the time it was because of my pregnancy history and I'm sure some of it was because of that. But it was more intense than I had ever felt.

One thing I know for certain now is that I believe Heavenly Father was trying to tell me from the beginning that something was going to happen. There were several more experiences I had later on as well.

I went back to camp with my exciting little secret and we enjoyed the rest of our camping trip with our family and friends. It was so hard to keep it from everyone. I'm sure they all suspected something was up when I tried to make excuses not to go on motorcycle rides, get into the hot tub or jump off the rock at the river. I'm usually the first one to want to do all of those things.

When I got home, I called my new boss and told her that I wasn't going to be taking the job. My whole world from that point on, would change more than I ever thought possible.