The first hours and day in the NICU...

NICU Day 0:

After Paige was taken to the NICU with her daddy by her side, I laid there in that operating room with the silence that remained in complete shock as to what had just happened. I don't remember much, but I remember feeling slightly relieved that she was doing okay. At the same time, I still felt overwhelming fear because I knew that she was no where near being out of the woods by any means. There were so many conflicting and confusing emotions going on. I knew that she was most likely honeymooning. Honeymooning is a phrase we use in the NICU world to describe the phase micro-preemies go through in the first couple of hours or days where they do really well, until their little bodies realize that they have to take over. I was very aware that our scary journey was just beginning.

When I got to the recovery room, the first thing I wanted to know, was when I could go see Paige. I wanted to see her, touch her and I wanted her to know that I was there. They told me that I needed to recover and that I wouldn't be able to go down for about 2 hours.

Mike came in with the boys to check on me shortly after they got me settled in. I was so happy to see them. They both ran over to me and gave me the biggest hugs. I just love those sweet boys. I was anxious to know how Paige was doing and wanted to see all the pictures and videos Mike had taken. He told me that while he was over there, they had weighed her. She weighed 400 grams (14 oz), and was 10.5 inches long. It wasn't exactly what I was hoping to hear. I was praying that he might come back and tell me the weight was off all along in the ultrasounds and that she really weighed 600 grams. Regardless though, I was happy to see that she was kicking, screaming and still breathing on her own. Mike showed the three of us the first pictures and videos of our sweet little girl. We were all so happy. Every single one of us had the biggest smile on our faces. The boys were so excited to have a new sister and couldn't wait to meet her. Mike told me they went out and told everyone in the waiting room how cute their new baby sister was and that "she is the size of a soda can!"

Here are the video's and pictures he showed us.

Family slowly started to trickle into my recovery room. The first person I remember seeing was my mom, who instantly started crying when she saw me. She had been so afraid that something was going to happen to me during the surgery because of how awful I had looked before. She was happy to see me awake and doing okay. Together, Mike and I showed each of them the pictures and videos he had taken in the NICU. We were so proud of our sweet little fighter!

After all the family came in and briefly wished us well, Mike headed back over to the NICU to be with Paige. I continued to be monitored and tried to rest. I remember I was so tired, and every time I'd try to sleep my heart rate would drop super low and I'd forget to breath. I kept telling my nurse I was afraid I would stop breathing if I went to sleep. She reassured me that she would wake me up if that happened.

Not long after our families left, Dr. Thornton the Neonatologist (Paige's doctor) came in to update me. He told me that Paige was still breathing on her own with the help of the CPAP machine and that she was just a feisty little thing. I was happy to hear that! He told me that the Nurse Practitioners were in the process of putting in central and arterial lines, so they could hydrate her and keep her more closely monitored. He was very impressed with how well she was doing being as small as she was, and informed me of what the plan was going to be for the remainder of the day. Basically the plan was to get the lines in, get fluids going and continue monitoring her respiratory status. I asked a lot of questions... as many as I could think of being as groggy and as tired as I was, but overall I was super pleased with what he had to tell me and couldn't wait to get over to see her.

After he left, I rested a little while longer and not too long after, they let me know that it was finally time to take me over to the NICU to see her! 

They called transport in to wheel me down. I was honestly terrified for what I would be wheeled into when I got to her room. What if she suddenly crashed and they were trying to resuscitate her? All the awful scenarios ran through my head. However, when we arrived, the room was surprisingly cheerful and calm. I credit that to the wonderful nurses and RT's! They wheeled me up to her little isolette and pulled the blanket back that was covering the top to keep it dark. It was the first time I really got to see her semi-close up. The second I saw her, I said... "She is so beautiful! And looks just like Jace! That is Jace's mouth!" The Nurse and RT were both amazed that I could see that with all of the equipment on her face, but I knew that she was ours :) She had Jace's mouth and Brooks' eye's. Her eyes were fused, but I could tell by the shape of them, they were his.

I laid there in my bed, for about 30 minutes just doting on our new little girl. To be honest, I was in such a fog, I don't remember exactly what was said or done. I just remember that I was so excited to have my little girl and that she was doing so well. I kind of forgot in that moment the reality and seriousness of what we would be facing. I was so intensely proud that she was ours and amazed at how impressive she was. She was such an incredible little fighter. The Nurses and RT's were so kind and reassuring (We love you Jen and Terra!) and promised me they'd take good care of her until I could come back. 

After that first visit, they wheeled me back to my room on Antepartum where it had all started. It felt weird to be back in that room. I slept the remainder of the day and night- And when I say I slept, I mean that I tried to sleep, but was up worrying the whole time. I was so exhausted and weak that I don't think I moved the entire night. I felt like I had been hit by a train. I remember dozing off and waking up at one point in the middle of the night in a panic. I asked Mike how we were going to get through this? What if she didn't make it? What other awful decisions could we potentially be faced with? What if she came out of this severely disabled? Blind? Deaf? Needing a trach for the rest of her life? How was this going to affect the boys too? Every horrible thought ran through my mind. I felt so guilty and so awful that this had happened to her... to us, and I hated that I couldn't fix it. All I wanted was to be able to take it all back and for her to be safely nestled back in my belly. All I wanted was to be over in the NICU with her all the time. What if something happened to her when I wasn't there? It was so hard knowing that I couldn't physically be where I wanted and needed to be. Mike was so comforting, and was back and forth all day and night keeping me updated on how she was doing and trying to take care of me too. He's the best.

Because I don't really remember much from the first few days, I wanted to include Mike's account of that first afternoon in the NICU and the days following. He was a lot more alert and present than I was and kept a pretty detailed journal of her first week. I am so glad that he did! I remember him sitting in his little bed by the window in my hospital room, writing these every night. It made me love him even more than I already do. He was so excited about his little girl.

Here is his first little entry, I took out the first part because it pretty much said exactly what I wrote about the days leading up to her birth...

NICU Day 0 According to daddy:

Now that you have gotten the backstory of how you started early in this world, lets skip to you, Paige L. Tinker. The C-section couldn’t have gone any smoother, with nurses, respiratory therapists, neonatologists, nurse anesthetist, and the scrub tech awaiting your arrival. Because you were so small, the reality of a baby coming out of the womb crying let alone with tone and fighting at 24 weeks gestation was not looking very good. Man were we wrong. As mom and I waited behind the blue paper screen, anticipating your arrival, what to everyone’s astonishment did we hear? But a tiny little cry that could melt the world. Our little fighter was showing science and everyone in that room who the boss was. No need for intubation or assisted breaths by the RT, but a little oxygen help from a machine known as a c-pap. You were breathing all on your own and getting those lungs working. 

Your eyes were still fused, and  your skin was almost like leather almost as if it could be see through if a light was held up to it. Your feet were as big as my thumb and your tiny little hands were as big as my thumb print. The most perfect little round head and long fingers and toes were all accounted for. The staff taking care of you in the NICU said you are a feisty little thing, but would calm down when they didn’t mess with you anymore, sounds about right. 

The next few hours they got you settled into your NICU room (#20) and watched you like a hawk. Now, because you were so premature, the thing that they worry about the most was your lungs and respiratory status. With this in mind, they had to do what was called a tube and surf from my understanding. This was to be an in and out intubation (insertion of a breathing tube into the lungs) to give you surfactant (liquid that keeps your lungs expanded to help you breathe better). Well it’s only natural to be stubborn, so they had a little trouble getting the surfactant in, but they were going to give you more a little later. Well a little later was upon us, but now they were talking about intubating you (placing a tube to help you breathe) because you started having spells (hard time breathing) and they told me if you were to have two spells in an hour then you got the tube indefinitely. 

Today was a hard day as a parent but the day is over. It is now 11:36 p.m. on Dec 20th and no intubation has been done as of yet. Tomorrow is another day and I am so glad you made it to us and showed us you are a fighter. We love you so much little one and welcome to the family! Love, Daddy

Start of NICU DAY 1 According to daddy (December 21st, 2018):

Yesterday you left us wondering what you wanted to do with your breathing. Were you going to amaze everyone and continue do it all on your own? Well you decided at 0445 this morning to get a little more help from the RT as far as the percent of oxygen that you required to keep your O2 saturation up. You went up to high 50's, low 60's for FIO2 needs. You didn’t have any more spells, but the Dr. didn’t want to wait until it was too late to intubate and get more surfactant into your lungs. 

Well mom and I were sleeping when I got a call from the Dr. telling me that they had a bit of trouble intubating you but were able to get it and the surfactant placed where it needed to be. So, as you may know by now you were intubated for the next little while and hooked up to a breathing machine called the JET. What the Dr. and RT were concerned about was the shearing force of the lungs without sufficient surfactant causing issues later in life… bringing us to the jet. What this did for you was pump little spirts of air into your lungs, keeping the alveoli open to reduce the collapse and shearing effect. This still let you breathe on your own but also helped you along as you grew stronger. 

They started feeds with you today via donor milk just because moms milk hadn’t come in yet. TPN (nutrition) was also started which gave you nutrition for development of your body, eyes, lungs etc. etc. This all was done through tubes that were placed in your umbilical cord called a UAC and a UVC (One vein, two arteries in the cord). With all of this going on., mom was anxious about you every minute of the day.

It's true. I was anxious every moment of the day. Like I said, I barely slept and woke up absolutely exhausted the next morning, but I was determined that I was going to get over to Paige as soon as I was physically able to. After we found out they put the breathing tube in and that they had struggled to get it in, my anxiety heightened even more. I sent Mike over at 6:00 a.m. and several times after that, to check on her. The poor guy didn't get much sleep either. I wanted him to stay there and just update me in real time so that I didn't have to keep bothering the nurses. He would send me updates and pictures to keep my mind at ease.

I called my nurse in at about 9 and asked her if I could try to get up. The conditions were that I had to be able to walk to the bathroom, without passing out, before they'd let me go to the NICU.  That first time I tried, I was able to sit up in bed and scoot to the edge of the bed. When I tried to stand up, I was too dizzy to even take a step, so that was my first failed attempt. I asked the nurse when I could try again, and she said in about an hour.

Exactly one hour later, I promptly pushed my call button to get the nurse in to help me stand again. I was able to get to the side of the bed, stand up and I made it about half way to the bathroom before I realized I wasn't going to make it and almost passed out onto the floor. Mike and the Nurse got me back to my bed and I just laid there crying, because I wanted so bad to get over to the NICU to see my baby. The nurse told me it was probably the magnesium that was making me so woozy and that it would be best if we waited to try again once they turned off the drip. Then, they could take out the catheter too. The magnesium drip had to be on for 24 hours, so they could ensure that I wouldn't have a seizure due to my elevated blood pressures and preeclampsia. They had started it just prior to my delivery at about noon the day before, so I waited, a little impatiently, until noon for them to come in and turn it off. 

While I was waiting, I decided it was time to announce to the world, the birth of our incredible daughter. Here is what I posted...

Introducing: Paige Lorraine Tinker 💕 Born 12/20/18 at 12:31 p.m. Weighing in at just 14oz. and 10 inches long. She came out fiesty, crying and fighting and is continuing to fight. She lasted on cpap for about 15 hours before they had to intubate her and she continues to impress all the doctors, nurses and RTs. She looks just like her older brothers and loves to hold daddy’s hand. This is going to be a long, hard road and we are scared to death, but we know that Heavenly Father has a special and unique plan for her and that gives us so much comfort. We love you so much sweet girl!

Finally the time arrived. They came in and shut that yucky magnesium off! They told me to wait 30 minutes to an hour before we attempted to get up again, that way we could give my body time to get rid of some of the medication in my system. Shortly after the nurse left, I felt the sudden urge to pee so bad. I had the catheter in and I knew it had to be kinked because it was the most uncomfortable feeling. I pushed the call light because the nurses didn't want me getting up without their help, and  they didn't want Mike helping me either, so I sat there on the side of the bed waiting for them to answer my call light. I finally couldn't wait any longer, the pain from my bladder being so full was so bad that it was hurting my entire abdomen, including my c-section incision. I was literally almost to the point of screaming out in pain. I told Mike to get me up and get me to the bathroom right away. Long story short and sparing you all the details about my excursion to restroom, I made it there and back without passing out (barely) and they were able to take out my catheter. After 4-5 hours of trying, I was finally cleared to head over to the NICU.

I remember so well, that second time wheeling back to the NICU to see Paige. This time I wasn't on magnesium, or the high from just giving birth. I again didn't know what I was about to walk in to and I was absolutely terrified. When my boys were in the NICU, they didn't have any serious conditions...they had blood sugar and feeding issues and that was it. It was always exciting to visit. This time was so very different. 

Mike checked us in at the front desk and we stopped by the scrub room to get all scrubbed in. I have never washed my hands so thoroughly in my entire life. I didn't want any germs left on my hands, I did not want her to get sick. As he wheeled me down the long hallway towards her room, I am not even kidding when I say those walls have never felt so dark. I felt like they were going to cave in on me. I was cold and scared and felt physically sick to my stomach. Right in front of us, the X-ray technician pulled out the machine and started wheeling it down the hall. I just knew it was for Paige and I started to panic inside, wondering why she was needing an X-Ray. 

We followed the tech all the way to Paige's room and we sat outside the room, watching as they took an x-ray of Paige's lungs. They came out and explained to me that they had just given her another round of surfactant and they were doing an x-ray to follow up. I was relieved that it wasn't super serious, but right then, the reality of everything hit me like a ton of bricks. I just lost it. I started hysterically crying, asking if they thought she was going to make it. Asking if they had given her blood, antibiotics, asking anything I could to find out what was going on. They reassured me that she was still doing great. She hadn't needed any blood or antibiotics so far. She was now on the Jet (The ventilator Mike talked about), but other than that, there weren't really any changes from the previous day. I remember the nurse practitioner reassuring me that there was a baby down the hall who started out as small as Paige, one that I had remembered from working there, who was now bottle feeding and getting ready to go home. She told me that Paige could beat this and they were doing everything possible to help her. I felt reassured for the moment.

After they completed the X-Ray, Mike wheeled me in to see her. This was the first time I would see her with a clear mind and be able to touch her. I couldn't believe my eyes. She was so tiny, so fragile, yet so perfect. She had all ten fingers and ten toes, she had the most perfectly round head and the cutest little ears. I couldn't believe her bright blonde hair and eye brows. She was absolutely gorgeous!

As I sat there and watched her, I wondered how a person could be so tiny, yet so strong. I thought about all the NICU mammas I’ve watched come in, terrified to see their baby, terrified to touch them. I now knew how they felt. I wondered how in the world I got to that point. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I never dreamed that this would happen to us. I never thought it would be MY baby in that isolette, with that breathing tube, on that ventilator, with those lines, the transparent skin... it was all incredibly and painfully overwhelming. I again broke down as I thought about what the next several months would bring. Infection? NEC? Brain Injury? Respiratory problems? I knew too much and I was making myself crazy with all of the scary thoughts. It was such a confusing feeling to be so excited about just having a baby, yet terrified at the same time that I might not get to keep her. I felt so guilty that my body had failed her. She was now required to fight every day just to live, and it was because of me. It tore me apart, and still does to this day.

Our first time holding our little girl. Such an unrealistic experience. We wore gloves because we were so terrified of getting her sick.

The doctor came in shortly after we arrived and told us that other than placing the breathing tube early that morning and the issues they had getting the surfactant into her lungs, that the only probelm they were currently having was that Paige was not peeing as much as they would have liked and her blood pressures were borderline low. He wanted to give her a saline bolus over one hour and start dopamine (a blood pressure medication used to increase blood pressure), to see if it was in fact a blood pressure issue that wasn’t allowing her to pee. It worked great. She started to pee more and more each diaper change and her blood pressures were improving.

I don't remember much more from that day. It was all incredibly overwhelming and I was exhausted and not feeling well. My blood pressures were acting up again, so I was back and forth between spending as much time in the NICU with Paige and trying to rest.

Here are details from the remainder of the day in Mike's words...

You loved to lay on your right side as it seems you’re the most comfortable there. After the surfactant, you were weaned down to 30% on your FIO2, meaning you didn’t need much more help with oxygen delivery. 

                                             

About 11:00 p.m. on Dec. 21st, the RN was doing cares when you decided to dip your oxygen saturations and the RT had to keep turning the FIO2 up and up and up. Suctioning and repositioning were implemented to try and assist you in your recovery back into the 90’s. Now before this happened I got to change your diaper and you were kicking at me like crazy. Every time I got the diaper under your butt you would plant your feet and scoot up in the crib. STINKER! So maybe it was I who started the decrease in O2. But as with anything mom was by my side coaching me through it, this being her forte’. She also of course got to change your diaper before me and it went as smooth as butter, NORMAL!

Day two is now over and tomorrow is a new day. We can’t wait to hold you little one (hopefully soon). We love you with all our of our hearts. Love, Daddy

Paige's Birthday {December 20th, 2018}

"Believe in miracles, hope is never lost." Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Paige is a miracle. Her birth was a miracle. I can't think of another word that better describes that day. I know without a doubt that our Heavenly Father was in that operating room with us, He was in the NICU as well. He blessed Paige with strength that I'll never understand, He comforted Michael and I, and He guided every single one of those medical professional's hands.

At 4:30 a.m., the morning of December 20th, the nurse came in to let me know that Dr. West had called to check on me. She had informed him of the troubles I experienced just a few hours before... the blood pressure issues, the chest pain, the cold sweats, everything. She let me know that it was now official-he was going to schedule the C-Section for noon. Those words were indescribable to hear. I was sick to my stomach. I knew it was coming, but for some reason when I heard those words it became real. I broke down and I asked her if she could ask the Neonatologist to come talk to us as soon as possible that morning. We wanted a plan in place.

At around 7:00 a.m., Dr. West came into see me. He sat down on the edge of my bed with his head hung and tears in his eyes. He told us that he felt horrible for everything and that he didn't know what else to do. We had literally tried all of our options. He told us that he had in fact, scheduled the C-section for noon, but that he didn't want us to feel boxed in by that time. He had consulted with the  Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist again that morning, just to make sure there were no other options. The specialist told him that he would be willing to let me try increasing my dose of oral lebetalol one more time to the absolute maximum to see if that worked, but if it didn't, which it most likely wouldn't, they were going to make the decision for us... delivery was going to happen on the 21st. So we were given the choice... delivery today, or try the medication.

Mike and I had spent most of the night awake, praying for comfort and guidance and we felt the spirit so strongly that morning telling us that it was time. We didn't want it to be time, but at that point, we felt like we had tried everything we possibly could. We all knew that small adjustment to my medication wasn't going to work. That specific medication never touched my blood pressures, even the IV form they had given me a few nights prior, so we knew that giving me one more little pill wasn't going to make a difference now. We could chance trying something we knew wasn't going to work and put both Paige and I's life in danger or we could go with our gut. We all (Mike, the Doctors and I) had the feeling that if we didn't get her delivered soon, something bad was going to happen to both of us.

Soon after Dr. West arrived, Dr. Merchant, the wonderful Neonatologist walked in. I'll always remember that moment. We sat in the dark, with only a small light shining from the bathroom and all four of us were in tears as we talked about what would happen and what to expect that day. We again, had the same painful conversation that we had just a few days prior. Dr. Merchant told us that Paige would be faced with many challenges and that we could chose whether we wanted them to throw the book at her, meaning have them do everything possible, or we could chose to do comfort care only and let her pass peacefully. They needed us to make the decision before the delivery because if we decided to do everything possible, they needed time to assemble the NICU team and prepare for Paige over in the NICU. They wanted everyone and everything on board to make sure they could give her the best shot. But if we decided not to proceed with extraordinary measures, they wanted to be sure to give us our privacy and let us be with our daughter.

Dr. Merchant told us that if we did decide to proceed with comfort measures only, that we needed to be prepared for the fact that Paige would very likely come out crying and that she could possibly live for several hours. The second she said that, we knew that was absolutely not an option! If she came out crying and wanting to fight, we were going to have them do everything they possibly could. How could you not? I think the thing we were struggling with, was what to do if she didn't come out breathing, crying and vigorous. We knew we didn't want to put Paige through a painful resuscitation because she probably wouldn't survive it being as little as she was. We didn't want them pounding on her little chest, shoving tubes down her throat or pumping epinephrine into her. So we made the decision that if she came out crying and moving around that we were going to have them try everything they could for her, including intubation... but if she required any CPR or Epinepherine, we did not want to proceed.

Before she left, Dr. Merchant did something that I'll never forget. Something that touched my heart that day and still does today. She took out her cell phone and showed us a video of a beautiful, blonde haired little girl playing the piano in a piano recital. She told us that little girl was a 400 gram (14oz) baby that she had taken care of just a few years ago. Today she was a typical, healthy little girl, playing the piano. For the first time, we had a glimmer of hope that Paige could beat this. She could be that miracle, too.

Dr. West and Dr. Lee the specialist had given us time to think about if we wanted to try the extra oral pill that night or if we wanted to proceed with the 12:00 c-section time. Dr. Lee came back in at about 9:00 and asked us if we had made a decision. We told him what we had decided and what the plan was going to be for Paige. It was officially happening. I wasn't okay with it, but the unfortunate and heartbreaking thing was that we didn't have any other choice.

The charge nurse from the NICU texted me and told me they were getting everything ready for Paige and let me know who was going to be on the delivery. Dr. Merchant, Dr. Thornton, Bryanna and Jen the Nurses, and Terra the RT. I was so relieved to know that there would be such a great team there to help Paige.

Bryanna came over to talk to me not long after the doctors left. She was so sweet and reassuring. She sat and held my hand and we talked about everything. I cried and she listened and tried to comfort me. She told me that they were going to be there and that they were going to do everything they could to give Paige the best start. I remember feeling so comforted by our conversation and I will forever appreciate her coming to talk to me. I could see the love and concern in her face and it meant so much to me. I knew my NICU team had our back 110% and that they loved and cared for us. I'm so grateful for my wonderful work family. Paige was in the very best hands.

After Bryanna left, I just laid in my bed and didn't move for several hours. I was in complete shock. I remember just staring out the window, watching everyone outside. It was the Thursday before Christmas and everyone was hustling and bustling around, eagerly anticipating the holidays. I could see into the offices across the street and everyone had their little Christmas sweaters on. No one knew that I was up here, just about to deliver my daughter 4 months early. No one knew how scared we were. I just wanted to be out there with them, getting ready to celebrate Christmas... not in that hospital room in the situation I was in. Just a week ago I was at home wrapping presents, watching Christmas movies without a care in the world. Now look where I was.

We pulled the boys out of school that day, so they could be at the hospital when Paige was born. We didn't know what was going to happen and we wanted them there no matter what. We had Mike's dad bring them up and we again sat them down and told them what was happening. They were excited to meet their baby sister, but scared that she might not be okay. It was so hard explaining to them that she might not make it and I hated that we had to. No parent should have to go through the heartbreak of telling their kids something like that.

After we got done talking to the boys, the rest of our family slowly trickled in. When my mom walked into my room, she took one look at me and instantly started to panic... She said, "Mike, she needs a blessing right now!" She said (later) that I looked awful...I was pale and had big dark circles under my eyes. She felt like something was going to happen to me and it scared her to death. After hearing her and several others say that after the fact, I knew that I was sicker than I ever thought I was.

At around 11:30, they came in to prep me for the C-section. They asked me a lot of questions that I don't remember. While they were doing that, they started me on magnesium and fluids. The nurse anesthetist told me what was going to happen when we got to the delivery room with the spinal, and all of the monitoring. He told me he would have medications on hand in case anything were to happen (Nausea, fainting, etc.). Before they had me transfer over to the stretcher to take me down, everyone left and Mike and my dad gave me a blessing. I don't remember what was said, everything was such a blur and I was so scared, but I do remember feeling comforted.

All the medical staff came back in and they got me over to the stretcher. Our families said goodbye before they headed down to the waiting room. I will never forget my mom's face as she begged for them to take care of me.

We left my room and they wheeled me down the hallway towards the OR. There were so many times that I wanted so bad to just yell, "STOP!!! DON'T DO THIS! LETS GO BACK AND FIGURE THIS OUT!" My brain knew the reality of it all and that there was nothing else that could be done, but my heart could hardly bear what was about to happen. I was dying inside.

When we got to the outside of the operating room, I was beside myself. We were going to be in the same room that I delivered my boys in. We had always had such happy memories there. When we found out I was pregnant with Paige, I remember anticipating the day we'd get to be back in that room to have our 3rd and final baby. Now here we were, in the worst situation possible.

Mike had to wait outside while I got my spinal and until they draped everything. I did not want to be alone but the medical staff all reassured me it was going to be okay. Before I went in, Mike and I just sat there and hugged and cried together. I told him I didn't want to go in there and that I didn't want to do this. He told me that everything was going to be okay and that we would get through this together.

When they opened the doors to wheel me in, I lost it. I just started hysterically crying. I felt SO guilty. The most intense guilt that I have ever experienced in my life. How could I let this happen? I didn't want them to take her out. I wanted her to stay in my belly and I wanted to grow her more! She had no idea what was coming and I felt awful. She was perfect and my body was rejecting her. I wondered how I got there and why I was being forced to go through this. I wondered if she would be okay. So many thoughts were running through my head. I just wanted it to be the worst nightmare I'd ever had, but it wasn't. It was real life and I had to face it no matter how desperately I just wanted to run away and hide.

They transferred me over to the table and soon after, my doctor came in. He held me as they put the spinal in. He kept saying over and over, "You're doing amazing. It's going to be okay and you're going to get through this." I'm telling you, he's the best doctor in the world. As soon as they successfully got the spinal in, Dr. West pushed morphine into my IV and helped me lay down. As I laid down on the cold, hard table he shouted out... "Okay lets get the NICU team in here." They put all of the drapes up and I just laid there, helpless, crying and scared out of my mind. I was screaming inside, screaming at myself to tell them to stop.

My memory is off an on from there, but the next thing I remember was Mike, Bryanna, Terra and the NICU doctors coming in and rushing over to reassure me, as Dr. West started the surgery. I started to feel nauseated and asked the nurse anesthetist to please give me something. I didn't let him know fast enough because I started throwing up. I remember trying to grab onto something to brace myself and almost knocking over the poles that were holding the drapes. It's the worst feeling to throw up when you can't feel your stomach. I also noticed my heart rate dropping pretty low. Later they told me it was in the 20's and they had to give me medication to bring it up. No wonder I felt like I was going to pass out. Mike was so worried about me and kept asking me if I was okay. I kept telling him I was fine.

It wasn't long before I felt the familiar pressure of them pushing on my belly. I knew she was coming and I was so scared of which way it would go. Was this going to be the happiest moment of our life, or the worst moment we've ever experienced?

At 12:31 p.m. on December 20th, 2018 we learned the answer to those questions. Behind that blue drape, I heard the sweetest sound I had ever heard in my life. A teeny, tiny little cry. Our sweet Paige Lorraine was here! She weighed 14oz and was just 10 inches long. (Sorry for the graphic video... I was able to crop everything out in the pictures but not the video. I wanted everyone to hear her amazing cry!)

Let me tell you, that amazing little girl who was about the size of my hand from head to toe, came out  kicking, punching and ready to fight. She was breathing on her own and she had THE sweetest little cry. She was even well enough to do a minute of delayed cord clamping. As soon as they were done, they cut the cord and the NICU team took her over to the warmers to start working on her.

The warmer was directly to the left of my head, but I couldn't really see what was going on because there were so many people around trying to help her. I was also still dealing with some nausea and feeling a little woozy. Dr. Merchant and Bryanna kept me updated, while Dr. Thornton, Terra and Jen worked on her. Mike was back and forth wanting to make sure his baby girl was okay, but also worrying about me. At one point Dr. West told Mike, "I got your wife, she's okay, go be with your baby!"

After a few minutes, the NICU team told me that she was still breathing on her own with only the help of a little CPAP... I couldn't believe my ears! Not only that, but she was only needing 30% oxygen. I was beyond relieved. I thought for sure that she would need to be intubated (have a breathing tube put in) immediately, but she proved us all wrong! I then heard a little more excitement... She had pooped! Not only that, but she pooped about half her weight (not literally, but it sure looked like it, haha!).

Everyone in the room was in awe of our incredible little girl! The feeling in the room quickly changed from what it was when the surgery first began. We were all smiling and happy...and in that moment, my mind quickly shifted from shear terror and sadness, to hope! Hope that maybe she could defy the odds and hope that she could perhaps make it! I knew right then that I was witnessing a miracle! She wanted to be here and she wanted to fight and I was going to be right by her side fighting with her every step of the way.

"Behold your little ones and see within them the wonders of God, from whose presence they have recently come." -Gordon B. Hinckley

December 17th-December 19th

As I mentioned previously, when I went into the hospital on the 15th, they had me provide a small urine sample to check for protein. That simple test gives them an idea of how much protein is in the urine and prompts them to do further testing if the levels are elevated. Mine was 3+, which was high, so that night, they started me on a 24 hour urine protein test. This is a test where they collect your urine for 24 hours, that way they can evaluate exactly how much protein is spilling into your urine. If too much protein is found, that means the kidneys aren't functioning properly and in my case, being pregnant and having high blood pressure, it meant that I had pre-eclampsia. With the boys, I always tested positive for protein, but further 24 hour testing always showed that it was just mild, so at that point I wasn't super concerned.

I finished the 24 hour test late the night of December 16th and just a few hours later, early on the morning of the 17th, the nurse came in to tell us that the results had come back. We were hoping everything would be just fine and that the only problem I would have to continue worrying about was getting my blood pressures under control.

She signed into my chart while explaining to us what normal protein levels should be. Normal protein should be under 300 mg. She checked my results and informed us that mine was over 2500 mg. I knew right then something was seriously wrong. With my boys, I never had protein levels over 500. They actually delivered Brooks at 36 weeks when I had a protein level of 500 because my blood pressures had gotten to the point where they couldn't control them any longer. Now here we were, at 24 weeks... my protein was over 2500, and my blood pressures were higher and more uncontrolled than they ever had been. I was terrified and wondered what we were going to do next. I was hoping that if Paige were okay, that we might be able to get all of this under control and I could sit in antepartum and grow her for 3 more months. I was just praying that we would get good news during her ultrasound the next morning, news that she was still perfectly healthy.

After a couple hours of sleep, we woke up at 7:30 a.m. when Dr. West came in. He always came in before he went to clinic. He confirmed what we already knew- that I had severe preeclampsia and that it was serious. The one good thing we learned, was that my body hadn't gone into HELLP yet. (HELLP syndrome is a complication of pregnancy characterized by hemolysis, elevated liver enzymes, and low platelet counts. It usually occurs in association with preeclampsia.) They had been checking daily labs to keep track of all of those levels. My labs did show that my liver enzymes were elevated, but not high enough to deliver me. My doctor warned me that the steroid shots I recieved for Paige's lungs, could possibly mask HELLP, so they were going to keep a close eye on it. The plan for that day was to continue adjusting my medications, and to get the ultrasound done as soon as possible. We were so excited to see little Paige.

The post I posted on the morning of December 17th

danielletinker Prayers would be so appreciated right now. I’m currently 24 weeks 1 day pregnant and in full blown preeclampsia. The good thing is is that they have been able to control my blood pressures really well with medication since being in the hospital, but currently my kidneys aren’t doing too hot. We get an ultrasound today to check on baby girl and if everything looks good I can go home and have to be closely monitored several times a week. If things don’t look okay, we have to make other plans. (Possible delivery, hospital bedrest,not sure what other plans.) She’s been doing great so far so prayers that everything goes okay during the ultrasound would be wonderful. Also prayers that If everything looks okay and I get home, that I can keep these under control until 30-34 weeks. My dr said this delivery will be earlier. I begged him to please get me out of the 20s. He’s going to try to do his best. So glad to know we’re in good hands❤️

After eating breakfast, the Maternal Fetal Medicine ultrasound technician came in with a wheelchair at about 10:45 a.m. They wheeled me down to a little ultrasound room adjacent to the unit I was staying on. It was right across from a set of elevators. Right before we went in, my co-worker and wonderful charge nurse, Karen from the NICU, just happened to step out of the elevators. She told me that they had all been so worried about me and that they did not want to be getting a 24 weeker that day. I laughed and told her, "You won't be! We don't want that to happen either. We're hoping everything is good in this ultrasound and that we won't have to see you guys." She said she hoped so too and gave me a hug.

I got out of the wheelchair and walked over to the exam table and laid down. We were so excited and optimistic. Paige had been totally fine 4 weeks earlier and we just knew that she was going to be fine that day! The tech squirted the warm gel onto my belly and placed the probe into the gel. A live image of our sweet Paige appeared on the screen. She was moving around and her little heart was beating away. They were going to do a full anatomy and growth scan to make sure everything was progressing like it should.

The tech started with her head. We watched as she placed the little measurement arrows from one side to another. However, when I looked down to the left of the screen, my worst fears came true when I read that her head only measured at 21 weeks and 3 days. My heart sank, she was supposed to be measuring at 24 weeks and 1 day. I tried so hard not to panic at that point, I thought that maybe the measurement was off. She continued the examination. She got to her abdomen and did the measurement... 21 weeks 1 day, then to her femur... 21 weeks 5 days. Her estimated weight was approximately 450 grams. I knew it was low, but I didn't know exactly what a normal weight was for her gestational age. She informed us that based on all of the measurements and the estimated weight, that she was about the size of a 21 weeker. We were in shock. What was happening? If this were true, she had stopped growing shortly after our 20 week anatomy scan... but why? Did I miss something? Did I do something wrong? Was that why my belly seemed so small? I had a million questions.

At that point, she tried to get a good profile picture to print off for us to take back to our room, but wasn't able to. She then she checked the fluid levels. Her fluid was low, which was probably why she couldn't get a good picture. "Why is the fluid low, it was perfectly normal 4 weeks ago?" I asked. She didn't say anything, she was focused on the screen. She moved to Paige's heart and looked around for a few moments before taking the probe, wiping it off, and putting it back into the machine. She said, "I'll be right back." and walked out the door. I was trying to hold it together on the outside, but inside I was absolutely falling apart and I think Mike was too. Why would she walk out? Something was wrong with our baby.

A few minutes later, she walked back in, followed by the Maternal Fetal Medicine Doctor, Dr. Lee. She placed the probe back onto my belly and they started looking around at her heart. Dr. Lee explained to us what they were looking at. Paige had fluid around her heart that wasn't supposed to be there, she was measuring 3 weeks behind in measurements and weight and had very low fluid levels, which probably explained the dips she was having on the monitors. He told us that Paige was in distress. I didn't know what to say, I just started crying. I was desperate to know what I could do to make all of this better and help get her fluid levels up. "Can I drink more water? Can you give me fluids through my IV? Can I eat more to help her gain weight?" He told me there was nothing I could do but continue to try and get my blood pressures under control and see if I can get a couple more weeks of growth in. My preeclampisa was so severe that she wasn't getting the nutrients she needed and in turn wasn't producing amniotic fluid. If we couldn't get my pressures under control soon, or if my body went into HELLP he told us that delivery was the only option to not only save Paige, but to save me too. He then said that if she were born at this point, he wasn't sure she'd survive. He informed us that we wouldn't be going home for Christmas and that he was praying that I'd still be pregnant by New Years, but that it wasn't likely based on the blood pressures I was throwing the previous 2 nights. To say that we were absolutely devastated is putting it lightly.

The tech wheeled me back to our room and with tears in her eyes she said, "I am so very sorry. I'll let the nurse know that you're back, but we will give you all the privacy that you need so that you can process everything that just happened." She left the room and closed the door behind her. I got up out of the wheel chair and collapsed into Mike's arms. I was crying so hard, I could hardly breath. Through my tears I was finally was able to get out one small, incredibly heart breaking sentence. I said, "Mike... I think we just lost our baby girl." He tried to reassure me, but as positive as I wanted to be, I knew in my heart that things weren't okay. She was only 450 grams and neither of us were doing well. So many thoughts were swirling around in my head. If I were able to get another 2-3 weeks in, how much weight would she actually gain? Would she pass away in the process because she was already in distress? Would she survive if they had to deliver? Would I have a stroke or a seizure and die and not be around for my boys? That moment still brings back so much pain and so many tears.

We spent the next several hours in silence, crying together and processing what happened. Dr. West was doing clinic in Meridian and was devastated for us. He called my nurse and asked to talk to me. She brought the phone in and he just told me how sorry he was for everything and that he was sorry he wasn't there. He's the sweetest.

Around 1 p.m. they came in to do an echo on Paige's heart and they also had Dr. Merchant, the Neonatologist come in to talk to us. She brought in a sheet that had all of the statistical data explaining all of the health challenges babies weighing 450 grams could face. She said that she couldn't even find data on babies weighing less than that. She told us that if she didn't pass away soon after birth, that she had an extremely high chance of having multiple, painful health issues and devastating disabilities. She also told us that because of her size and the high mortality rate associated with that, that we could chose not to proceed with extraordinary measures and they would let us hold her while they provided comfort care after her birth until she passed. Words cannot even begin to express or explain the devastation and unbelief we felt as we were forced to have that awful conversation.

After she left the room, we both just continued to cry. We didn't know what to do and we could not believe there was even a possibility of being faced with such a decision. We couldn't bear the thought of not doing anything for her, but we also didn't want her to suffer through hours/days/months of pain only to pass away or be left with a severe disability. I can't remember the statistics, but they were something like greater than 75% that something bad would happen to her, and that's if she weighed 450 grams or more. Working in the NICU, I've seen several micro-preemie's and I hadn't ever seen a baby that small survive. I honestly didn't think she'd come out breathing and we didn't want to put her through a resuscitation. It was indescribably awful and we were just praying for a miracle at that point. A miracle that we would be both be healed and that we wouldn't have to be faced with making that decision.

Later that afternoon we decided that we needed to let our families know what was going on. For some reason it made it seem more real when we had to tell everyone what had happened and I hated it. I didn't want to believe it was true, I wanted it to be a night mare and just go away. Mike called his parents and I called mine. It took every ounce of strength that I had to call my mom to tell her what had been going on. She was so excited for her first grand baby girl and I didn't want to tell her that we might lose her. I can't even remember what I said, I just know that we cried a lot. She told me that she had had a dream the night before, that I would be able raise Paige in the next life and that she knew that families were forever. Hearing that was difficult, but also brought me a lot of comfort as well.

After we told our parents, we then had to face the heartbreaking task of letting our boys know what was going on. We had our family bring them in and we sat them down and told them everything. We told them that mommy was very sick and that Paige might have to come sooner than we hoped. We told them that if she did, that she would be very sick and that she could possibly be going to heaven, but that we were trying absolutely everything we could to prevent that from happening. I could tell they understood, they could see the hurt in our eyes and the tears streaming down our faces and I could see the sorrow in their eyes as well when they realized they might lose their baby sister. Their sister we had all be eagerly and happily anticipating. It's a conversation that I never imagined I would be having with my children and it's one that I never wanted to have again. It was awful. We spent the next few hours just holding them and holding each other.

I decided that evening that I needed Mike to give me a blessing. I've always had a strong testimony of Priesthood blessings. I knew that anything could happen through Heavenly Father, our Savior and the power of the Priesthood. Paige and I could both be healed if it were God's will, and I was hoping that it was. Mike called his Uncle Don in to help and they gave me the most wonderful and comforting blessing. Afterwards, we had Mike's uncle give him a blessing of comfort as well. It was such a special moment for both us.

I also I knew that we needed all the prayers we could get at that point and the best way I thought to get as many people praying for us as possible, was through social media. So I decided to post an update on what had been going on. Here is what I posted that day...

"Not the update we wanted to give after my previous post... but after processing and being with family all day, we figured we'd update everyone since we've been getting lots of texts/calls. During our ultrasound today, we found out that our sweet little one has very little amniotic fluid surrounding her and is measuring about 3 weeks behind which puts her at the size of approximately 21 weeks gestation- she is supposed to be measuring at 24 weeks (she weighs less than 15oz).They also found a small pericardial effusion around her heart that they've been watching. These are all probably side effects of the sudden, preeclampsia that has reared its ugly head in the last 2-3 weeks.

That being said, the doctors don't know how much longer I have before I will go into HELLP syndrome- a serious/life threatening pregnancy complication that requires delivery- since my labs aren't too reassuring at this point. So, our new plan is to stay in the hospital, try to keep my blood pressures under control, monitor my labs several times a day, hope they stay unchanged, and continue growing her as long as possible, until my body can no longer sustain the pregnancy. I'm truly hoping and praying for a miracle at this point- that my body might be healed and that we will go in for a scan in 2 weeks and that she and I will be back on track.But we also know and understand the reality of what all this means. She is our perfect little girl in every way and we want her more than anything. It has been heartbreaking to know what we might have to face. But, after today I realized that all I can do right now is put this in Heavenly Father's hands. He knows . We're just going to take things one day at a time and hope for the best. I will sit here until march to grow this sweet baby girl if that's what it takes and if my body allows. So for now, that will be my plan. We love you all so much and thank you for the prayers and continued support."

Over the next few days, my sweet doctor, along with the specialist, and all of the nurses tried everything they could to fix my blood pressure. We brainstormed together what we could do to keep me pregnant and try to grow our sweet girl for at least another month. We added and increased blood pressure medications, I tried an anti anxiety med, the nurses had acupuncturists coming in to try to use pressure points to lower my blood pressures, I took sleeping pills, I tried resting an entire day with the lights off and requested that no visitors come in. After 2 days though, we realized that despite all of our best efforts, nothing was working, my blood pressures only got worse. On top of the 2 high dose oral blood pressure medications I was on, they were having to rescue me every night with pretty intense IV blood pressure medications and even all of that wasn't bringing it back down to normal. Everyone was worried. At one point the nurses brought seizure pads in and set up suctioning in case I were to have a seizure. I asked Dr. West on the 18th how long they would let me go like this because I started feeling really awful and was starting to have overwhelming feelings of impending doom. I had never felt that before and it was absolutely terrifying. He said that if my labs were to get worse, or if the meds didn't kick in very soon, that he wasn't going to let me go much longer.

That night was one of my worst nights. Our friends had brought us dinner and we were enjoying visiting with them. Out of nowhere I felt the most intense chest pressure and headache I had ever felt. It was so bad that I was getting dizzy. I laid the head of my bed down and I called the nurse. She came in and took one look at me and asked everyone to leave. She could tell I wasn't feeling well. We turned down the lights and checked my blood pressure. It was 190's over 130's. She ran out to call the doctor and came back in with IV hydralazine. She pushed it and after 15 minutes, it had come back down. The bad thing about that medication is that it made my heart pound out of my chest. I always had them bring in an icepack when they gave it to me because I thought I was going to have a heart attack and for some reason, ice helped me feel better. After she brought in the ice, we shut off the lights and I went to sleep.

I want to pause the story right here for a moment to express how incredible my doctor was throughout all of this, he still is! He will always have the most special place in our hearts. He is like family to us. We love Dr. West so much.

The next morning, December 19th, Dr. West came in and with tears in his eyes, told me that he was seriously worried about me. My blood pressures were too high. He was worried that if we didn't do something soon that I would have a seizure, blow an artery somewhere, have a stroke and possibly die from this. He said that he and Dr. Lee had been talking and they had decided that if my blood pressures spiked again that night, they would be scheduling a C-section for the next afternoon. He was heartbroken that he had to make that decision, but he felt there was nothing else they could do. As he was telling me all of this, my thoughts turned to the day before when my boys had come in to visit me and they ran to me and gave me the biggest hugs and told me how much they missed having me home. I couldn't bear the thought of  my boys possibly losing their mom, but I also couldn't bear the thought of losing my daughter. It was one of the most heart wrenching things I have ever experienced. In one last desperate effort, I asked him if we could try the combination of meds I was on with Brooks that worked wonders for me. He agreed to try anything and everything possible at that point. He wanted to fix me so bad and I could tell it was tearing him apart that he couldn't. He told me that he would get the medications ordered and that he was going to check on me several times throughout the day and see that if by some miracle, the new med combination would work for me. We were all praying so hard.

The post I wrote the morning of December 19th. I had so much hope that this new combo of meds was going to do the trick,  they worked so well with Brooks and I thought for sure this is what I needed. I had so much hope, that I was even thinking there might be a possibility that I could go home. I only wish that would have been the case.

danielletinker I miss my boys so much it hurts❤️ Right now we’re doing okay. Trying to take things one day at a time, but those days have been full of lots of anxiety. My labs have been stable, but blood pressures are still all over the place. Were going to try a different medication combination today, one that I was on with Brooks that worked really well. My hope (and it might be a far off hope), is that we can get them under control enough to get me home because right now I’m basically just here for my safety (access to iv meds if my bp spikes, which I have needed every night). But my doctor hasn’t totally agreed to that whole going home thing yet even if they can stop using the iv meds. I just feel like I could rest and heal better at home. Baby girl is doing well, but does appear stressed on the monitors. There’s nothing we can really do but wait and see with her-which has been the hardest and most heartbreaking part. We’re still praying for that miracle that my placenta will take over and that she makes a big jump in growth and that her fluid levels will be back to normal. The doctor talked about rescanning her tomorrow to see if any progress has been made. If not tomorrow, we’ll wait for the 2 week mark. Right now we’re just praying so hard for the best and I’m trying my best not to let my anxiety get the best of me. I have the best Dr, Nurses and Family and friend support. Thank you for the thoughts, prayers, and fasting on our behalf. We feel them and appreciate them.

We started the medications- Aldomet and Lebatelol promptly at 9 a.m. and as promised, Dr. West was in to check on me several times that day. Not only did he come in to check on me, but he would pull up a chair and sit at my bedside and just talk to me, sometimes longer than 30 minutes. I know for a fact that he is an incredibly busy doctor and that he was in clinic that day, yet he still made me feel like his only patient. He always did and he does that for all of his patients. He would even call the nurses taking care of me at 4:30 in the morning on his nights off to check on me. I seriously love him, I always felt so well taken care of. He's the best doctor!

I made it my priority that day that I wasn't going to accept any visitors, and that I was going to keep the TV off and just rest and sleep most of the day. I did not want my blood pressures to spike that night, because if they did, that meant they were going to deliver me the next day and I didn't want that to happen. I wanted Paige to grow and I wanted her to be okay. That day though, I really started to feel awful. I was pale and having weird cold sweats that I had never had before and to top it off, I was getting a cold. 

Again despite everything, I started getting chest pressure that evening, it actually woke me up while I was sleeping. I was heartbroken and in tears as the nurse hooked up the blood pressure cuff and it read 190's over 120's even after all of that rest and being asleep. It was the most helpless feeling. I was so upset. I had tried EVERYTHING! Why was this happening to me? Why was this happening to sweet Paige? I felt so guilty that my body was rejecting her perfect little body. I still do. I knew in that moment, that the next day was going to bring my worst nightmare to life. My worst nightmare as a mom, and my worst nightmare as a NICU nurse. I was going to have a 24 weeker. They came in with the doppler and let us get a good recording of her little heart beat. We didn't know what was going to happen and they wanted to make sure that we had that. I couldn't believe that this was my reality. I was up the rest of the night inconsolably crying, worrying about what that next day would bring. Feeling her kick and move around was absolutely gut wrenching because I didn't want to have to take her out. I felt horrible. Mike and I laid together in my tiny hospital bed, holding my belly, and just prayed. There was nothing else we could do at that point. We were still hoping for a miracle.

December 15th-December 16th

"We each understand that difficulties are part of life, but when they come to us personally, they can take our breath away. Without being alarmed, we need to be ready. The Apostle Peter said, "Think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you." Along with the bright colors of happiness and joy, the darker-colored threads of trial and tragedy are woven deeply into the fabric of our Father's plan. These struggles, although difficult, often become our greatest teachers." -Elder Neil L. Andersen October 2018 General Conference

From the very beginning of the pregnancy, I kept receiving strong promptings that something was going to be different about Paige. Was it because I was carrying a girl this time? Was it because this would be my last pregnancy? Was it my anxiety about something going wrong? I wasn’t completely sure what they meant, but the more the pregnancy progressed, the stronger they got.

In October, as I sat and watched General Conference, it seemed that the main theme, or at least the talks that were speaking to me were about the trials we will face in this life and how to get through them. I thought to myself how lucky and blessed I was that I had never had to go through a significant trial in my life.

A few months later, and just days before I was hospitalized, I was driving home from my parents house, my boys were giggling in the back seat and I remember just feeling truly happy and thankful. Thankful that I had a wonderful husband, two beautiful boys and a precious baby girl on the way. As those thoughts came to me, so did the thought of those conference talks from two months prior. It wasn’t any specific talk, or quote, but it was just the thought of trials. I couldn’t figure out why that randomly came to my mind again at such an unexpected time, a time when I was feeling so happy. But right in that moment I felt as if something was going to be different. I had the strongest feeling that I was going to be facing a trial very soon, and it scared me to death. Looking back, I think it was Heavenly Father trying to prepare me for what was about to happen. I know that he knew what Paige’s journey on earth was going to be.

The next few days, and the month to follow, were filled with the most painful, terrifying, difficult, and heart wrenching experiences and decisions that we’ve ever had to make. At the same time though, they were filled with the most tender, precious and spiritual days I’ve ever had. Days that I will be forever grateful for.

When I saw that my blood pressures were so high at my parent's house that night, I decided to call my doctor's office. As I sat in the chair with my feet up, trying to relax, the blood pressure cuff hanging on my left arm and the phone in my right hand, I proceeded to make the call. I was frustrated that this was happening again, everything had been going so well. I was shaking and in tears as I told the on-call service what was going on and I told them that I needed to talk to a nurse or doctor right away. We hung up and the on-call nurse called me back immediately. She asked me what was going on and I explained all of my symptoms to her. She told me that with blood pressures that high and with the chest and stomach pressure I was having, that I needed to call 911 right away. I honestly did not think it was that serious and told them that I had just driven myself over to my parents and felt fine, other than being a little anxious. The thought of calling 911 seemed a little over dramatic so I told them that I would just have my mom drive me to the hospital to get checked out. They weren't thrilled with the idea, and the nurse was actually getting a little upset with how non-compliant I was being. She kept warning me that I needed to call 911, but I kept telling her no. She finally gave up on trying to convince me to call and told me that it was ultimately my choice, but before she would hang up with me she wanted to make sure I was going to come in right away. I told her I would, and they called the hospital to let them know I was on the way. 

Throughout all of this, I had been keeping in contact with Mike while he was at work. He works as a tech at the St. Lukes Emergency Room in Meridian. I told him that the nurse wanted me to call 911 and that I didn't think it was necessary. I figured the ER would probably just transfer a 23 week pregnant woman right up to triage anyways, so I thought it would be faster if I just had my mom take me, that way we could just go directly to labor and delivery instead of having to go through the ER. He told me he was going to ask one of the ER doctors his medical opinion about my situation. The doctor told him that with those pressures and symptoms, if it were his wife, he would be calling 911 right away. I again told Mike that I would just have my mom drive me, at this point we were already heading out to the car and I felt like calling 911 would cause me even more anxiety than I was already experiencing. My mom and I got into the car and started driving to the hospital. As we pulled out of the neighbor hood, I started having a panic attack. I was scared. I wanted my baby to be okay and I wanted to be okay. They let Mike leave work right away so that he could meet me downtown. Everyone knew how serious it was, we just didn't realize it yet.

When we got to the hospital at 9:30 pm on December 15th at just 23 weeks and 6 days pregnant, we weren’t expecting what happened to happen.  In fact we were laughing and joking and holding hands as we walked up to labor and delivery. Like I said, my pregnancy with Paige had actually been my least complicated pregnancy to that point. We were expecting them to be able to fix my medications and then we would be on our way home to enjoy Christmas with our boys.

We found out pretty quickly though, that not only were my kidneys shutting down, but my blood pressures were so out of control the doctors were afraid for my life and we soon realized, we were too.

My first blood pressure when I arrived in triage was 230/135 and they could not get it to come down. They also had me give a urine sample when I first arrived and they found that the protein in my urine was extremely high. Out of all three pregnancies, I've never seen them move so quickly. They had me transferred out of triage and into a labor and delivery bed before I could even blink. 

When I got over to labor and delivery they immediately started an IV and got me hooked up to several monitors, monitors to watch me and several to watch Paige. There were 4-5 nurses working quickly to get everything going. They pushed several IV blood pressure medications into my IV and started a magnesium drip. They also gave me a steroid shot for Paige's lungs, just in case they had to deliver me emergently. My blood pressures were slowly coming down, but they were still way higher than what normal should be. I don't know if it was denial or what, but I was still oblivious that anything super serious was happening. I knew my pressures were scary high, but they were like that with my boys too. It took a couple of days, but they were ALWAYS able to get everything under control. I wasn't worried! I asked them if I'd be out of the hospital in time to go to work the next night because I had worked so hard to save up a good maternity leave and I wanted to get back, they just looked at me like I was crazy. Looking back, I was crazy.

They finally got me settled in at around 2 a.m. That night was so uncomfortable. Anyone who has been in Labor and Delivery for a long period of time, knows that those beds aren't designed for long stays, they are for laboring and laboring ONLY. I swear there's a board right where your back goes. Also- anyone who's been on magnesium also knows how awful that medication makes you feel. They gave me two loading doses and then had a steady rate running after that. Because it's a high risk medication, the nurses were in at least every hour, if not more than that checking my reflexes and blood pressures, and they had to have sweet Paige on the monitor all night because of everything they were giving me. They had a hard time finding her and keeping her on the monitors because she was so small and she liked to hide right in my hip, so we fought with that all night as well. Needless to say, I didn't get any sleep.

I had them keep the sound of Paige's heart beat up pretty loud because it was so comforting to listen to. I was so excited and happy to hear her sweet little heart beating away. At around 3 a.m. I heard her heart rate suddenly drop dangerously low (into the 40's) and stay low. I started panicking because I didn't know what to do. I was all tied down to the monitors and IV's and couldn't move. I knew the nurse was watching, but I hit the call button anyways. She ran in, thinking that the monitor was possibly picking up some of my heart rate instead of Paige's. She quickly determined that it wasn't my heart rate, it was, in fact, Paige's. She said in a panicked voice, "That is your babies heart rate, I need you to roll to the other side right now!" With her help, I rolled over to my other side. Her heart rate slowly came up, but after that, I was scared to death. I asked the nurse what was going on and she said that it could mean several things. 1. Bad positioning, 2. That it could simply be the side effects of the medication I was receiving. or 3. That something was wrong in there and that she was under distress. I was desperately praying for the reason to be the first 2 options of the three. Her heart rate continued to dip several times throughout the night, so the nurse called the doctor and they scheduled an ultrasound for first thing the next morning.

So exhausted. A picture I accidentally took that night.

All the equipment.

That next morning, Dr. West, my incredible OB, came in to talk to me. By that time, my blood pressures were a little better. He told me that it really scared him to see the blood pressures I was throwing the night before. The plan for that day was to stay on the magnesium drip until later that evening and that he was going to increase my oral medication that I had been taking at home. He also told me that because it was Sunday, they didn't have Maternal Fetal Medicine in the building to do the detailed ultrasound that he wanted done on Paige, and that he didn't want the regular on-call ultrasound tech's doing it, so we were going to wait until Monday morning to take a peek at her. He wanted to make sure he had the best of the best looking at her. He told us that if she looked fine and if we could get everything under control, that we could be out of the hospital by Tuesday. However, he did warn us that he felt this pregnancy was going to be delivered sooner than my boys were at 35 and 36 weeks. I told him to PLEASE just get me out of the 20's. He said he was going to try his best. I honestly could see the fear in his eyes though. He walked out of the room, and we spent the rest of the day resting, updating family and watching T.V. My doctor felt that I was a little more stable and gave them permission to move me over to antepartum so that I could have a more comfortable bed. They gave me a second steroid shot for her lungs and we went to bed. Our ward had had a fast for us that day, we felt sustained by prayers and we were excited to see our baby girl the next day!