December 17th-December 19th

As I mentioned previously, when I went into the hospital on the 15th, they had me provide a small urine sample to check for protein. That simple test gives them an idea of how much protein is in the urine and prompts them to do further testing if the levels are elevated. Mine was 3+, which was high, so that night, they started me on a 24 hour urine protein test. This is a test where they collect your urine for 24 hours, that way they can evaluate exactly how much protein is spilling into your urine. If too much protein is found, that means the kidneys aren't functioning properly and in my case, being pregnant and having high blood pressure, it meant that I had pre-eclampsia. With the boys, I always tested positive for protein, but further 24 hour testing always showed that it was just mild, so at that point I wasn't super concerned.

I finished the 24 hour test late the night of December 16th and just a few hours later, early on the morning of the 17th, the nurse came in to tell us that the results had come back. We were hoping everything would be just fine and that the only problem I would have to continue worrying about was getting my blood pressures under control.

She signed into my chart while explaining to us what normal protein levels should be. Normal protein should be under 300 mg. She checked my results and informed us that mine was over 2500 mg. I knew right then something was seriously wrong. With my boys, I never had protein levels over 500. They actually delivered Brooks at 36 weeks when I had a protein level of 500 because my blood pressures had gotten to the point where they couldn't control them any longer. Now here we were, at 24 weeks... my protein was over 2500, and my blood pressures were higher and more uncontrolled than they ever had been. I was terrified and wondered what we were going to do next. I was hoping that if Paige were okay, that we might be able to get all of this under control and I could sit in antepartum and grow her for 3 more months. I was just praying that we would get good news during her ultrasound the next morning, news that she was still perfectly healthy.

After a couple hours of sleep, we woke up at 7:30 a.m. when Dr. West came in. He always came in before he went to clinic. He confirmed what we already knew- that I had severe preeclampsia and that it was serious. The one good thing we learned, was that my body hadn't gone into HELLP yet. (HELLP syndrome is a complication of pregnancy characterized by hemolysis, elevated liver enzymes, and low platelet counts. It usually occurs in association with preeclampsia.) They had been checking daily labs to keep track of all of those levels. My labs did show that my liver enzymes were elevated, but not high enough to deliver me. My doctor warned me that the steroid shots I recieved for Paige's lungs, could possibly mask HELLP, so they were going to keep a close eye on it. The plan for that day was to continue adjusting my medications, and to get the ultrasound done as soon as possible. We were so excited to see little Paige.

The post I posted on the morning of December 17th

danielletinker Prayers would be so appreciated right now. I’m currently 24 weeks 1 day pregnant and in full blown preeclampsia. The good thing is is that they have been able to control my blood pressures really well with medication since being in the hospital, but currently my kidneys aren’t doing too hot. We get an ultrasound today to check on baby girl and if everything looks good I can go home and have to be closely monitored several times a week. If things don’t look okay, we have to make other plans. (Possible delivery, hospital bedrest,not sure what other plans.) She’s been doing great so far so prayers that everything goes okay during the ultrasound would be wonderful. Also prayers that If everything looks okay and I get home, that I can keep these under control until 30-34 weeks. My dr said this delivery will be earlier. I begged him to please get me out of the 20s. He’s going to try to do his best. So glad to know we’re in good hands❤️

After eating breakfast, the Maternal Fetal Medicine ultrasound technician came in with a wheelchair at about 10:45 a.m. They wheeled me down to a little ultrasound room adjacent to the unit I was staying on. It was right across from a set of elevators. Right before we went in, my co-worker and wonderful charge nurse, Karen from the NICU, just happened to step out of the elevators. She told me that they had all been so worried about me and that they did not want to be getting a 24 weeker that day. I laughed and told her, "You won't be! We don't want that to happen either. We're hoping everything is good in this ultrasound and that we won't have to see you guys." She said she hoped so too and gave me a hug.

I got out of the wheelchair and walked over to the exam table and laid down. We were so excited and optimistic. Paige had been totally fine 4 weeks earlier and we just knew that she was going to be fine that day! The tech squirted the warm gel onto my belly and placed the probe into the gel. A live image of our sweet Paige appeared on the screen. She was moving around and her little heart was beating away. They were going to do a full anatomy and growth scan to make sure everything was progressing like it should.

The tech started with her head. We watched as she placed the little measurement arrows from one side to another. However, when I looked down to the left of the screen, my worst fears came true when I read that her head only measured at 21 weeks and 3 days. My heart sank, she was supposed to be measuring at 24 weeks and 1 day. I tried so hard not to panic at that point, I thought that maybe the measurement was off. She continued the examination. She got to her abdomen and did the measurement... 21 weeks 1 day, then to her femur... 21 weeks 5 days. Her estimated weight was approximately 450 grams. I knew it was low, but I didn't know exactly what a normal weight was for her gestational age. She informed us that based on all of the measurements and the estimated weight, that she was about the size of a 21 weeker. We were in shock. What was happening? If this were true, she had stopped growing shortly after our 20 week anatomy scan... but why? Did I miss something? Did I do something wrong? Was that why my belly seemed so small? I had a million questions.

At that point, she tried to get a good profile picture to print off for us to take back to our room, but wasn't able to. She then she checked the fluid levels. Her fluid was low, which was probably why she couldn't get a good picture. "Why is the fluid low, it was perfectly normal 4 weeks ago?" I asked. She didn't say anything, she was focused on the screen. She moved to Paige's heart and looked around for a few moments before taking the probe, wiping it off, and putting it back into the machine. She said, "I'll be right back." and walked out the door. I was trying to hold it together on the outside, but inside I was absolutely falling apart and I think Mike was too. Why would she walk out? Something was wrong with our baby.

A few minutes later, she walked back in, followed by the Maternal Fetal Medicine Doctor, Dr. Lee. She placed the probe back onto my belly and they started looking around at her heart. Dr. Lee explained to us what they were looking at. Paige had fluid around her heart that wasn't supposed to be there, she was measuring 3 weeks behind in measurements and weight and had very low fluid levels, which probably explained the dips she was having on the monitors. He told us that Paige was in distress. I didn't know what to say, I just started crying. I was desperate to know what I could do to make all of this better and help get her fluid levels up. "Can I drink more water? Can you give me fluids through my IV? Can I eat more to help her gain weight?" He told me there was nothing I could do but continue to try and get my blood pressures under control and see if I can get a couple more weeks of growth in. My preeclampisa was so severe that she wasn't getting the nutrients she needed and in turn wasn't producing amniotic fluid. If we couldn't get my pressures under control soon, or if my body went into HELLP he told us that delivery was the only option to not only save Paige, but to save me too. He then said that if she were born at this point, he wasn't sure she'd survive. He informed us that we wouldn't be going home for Christmas and that he was praying that I'd still be pregnant by New Years, but that it wasn't likely based on the blood pressures I was throwing the previous 2 nights. To say that we were absolutely devastated is putting it lightly.

The tech wheeled me back to our room and with tears in her eyes she said, "I am so very sorry. I'll let the nurse know that you're back, but we will give you all the privacy that you need so that you can process everything that just happened." She left the room and closed the door behind her. I got up out of the wheel chair and collapsed into Mike's arms. I was crying so hard, I could hardly breath. Through my tears I was finally was able to get out one small, incredibly heart breaking sentence. I said, "Mike... I think we just lost our baby girl." He tried to reassure me, but as positive as I wanted to be, I knew in my heart that things weren't okay. She was only 450 grams and neither of us were doing well. So many thoughts were swirling around in my head. If I were able to get another 2-3 weeks in, how much weight would she actually gain? Would she pass away in the process because she was already in distress? Would she survive if they had to deliver? Would I have a stroke or a seizure and die and not be around for my boys? That moment still brings back so much pain and so many tears.

We spent the next several hours in silence, crying together and processing what happened. Dr. West was doing clinic in Meridian and was devastated for us. He called my nurse and asked to talk to me. She brought the phone in and he just told me how sorry he was for everything and that he was sorry he wasn't there. He's the sweetest.

Around 1 p.m. they came in to do an echo on Paige's heart and they also had Dr. Merchant, the Neonatologist come in to talk to us. She brought in a sheet that had all of the statistical data explaining all of the health challenges babies weighing 450 grams could face. She said that she couldn't even find data on babies weighing less than that. She told us that if she didn't pass away soon after birth, that she had an extremely high chance of having multiple, painful health issues and devastating disabilities. She also told us that because of her size and the high mortality rate associated with that, that we could chose not to proceed with extraordinary measures and they would let us hold her while they provided comfort care after her birth until she passed. Words cannot even begin to express or explain the devastation and unbelief we felt as we were forced to have that awful conversation.

After she left the room, we both just continued to cry. We didn't know what to do and we could not believe there was even a possibility of being faced with such a decision. We couldn't bear the thought of not doing anything for her, but we also didn't want her to suffer through hours/days/months of pain only to pass away or be left with a severe disability. I can't remember the statistics, but they were something like greater than 75% that something bad would happen to her, and that's if she weighed 450 grams or more. Working in the NICU, I've seen several micro-preemie's and I hadn't ever seen a baby that small survive. I honestly didn't think she'd come out breathing and we didn't want to put her through a resuscitation. It was indescribably awful and we were just praying for a miracle at that point. A miracle that we would be both be healed and that we wouldn't have to be faced with making that decision.

Later that afternoon we decided that we needed to let our families know what was going on. For some reason it made it seem more real when we had to tell everyone what had happened and I hated it. I didn't want to believe it was true, I wanted it to be a night mare and just go away. Mike called his parents and I called mine. It took every ounce of strength that I had to call my mom to tell her what had been going on. She was so excited for her first grand baby girl and I didn't want to tell her that we might lose her. I can't even remember what I said, I just know that we cried a lot. She told me that she had had a dream the night before, that I would be able raise Paige in the next life and that she knew that families were forever. Hearing that was difficult, but also brought me a lot of comfort as well.

After we told our parents, we then had to face the heartbreaking task of letting our boys know what was going on. We had our family bring them in and we sat them down and told them everything. We told them that mommy was very sick and that Paige might have to come sooner than we hoped. We told them that if she did, that she would be very sick and that she could possibly be going to heaven, but that we were trying absolutely everything we could to prevent that from happening. I could tell they understood, they could see the hurt in our eyes and the tears streaming down our faces and I could see the sorrow in their eyes as well when they realized they might lose their baby sister. Their sister we had all be eagerly and happily anticipating. It's a conversation that I never imagined I would be having with my children and it's one that I never wanted to have again. It was awful. We spent the next few hours just holding them and holding each other.

I decided that evening that I needed Mike to give me a blessing. I've always had a strong testimony of Priesthood blessings. I knew that anything could happen through Heavenly Father, our Savior and the power of the Priesthood. Paige and I could both be healed if it were God's will, and I was hoping that it was. Mike called his Uncle Don in to help and they gave me the most wonderful and comforting blessing. Afterwards, we had Mike's uncle give him a blessing of comfort as well. It was such a special moment for both us.

I also I knew that we needed all the prayers we could get at that point and the best way I thought to get as many people praying for us as possible, was through social media. So I decided to post an update on what had been going on. Here is what I posted that day...

"Not the update we wanted to give after my previous post... but after processing and being with family all day, we figured we'd update everyone since we've been getting lots of texts/calls. During our ultrasound today, we found out that our sweet little one has very little amniotic fluid surrounding her and is measuring about 3 weeks behind which puts her at the size of approximately 21 weeks gestation- she is supposed to be measuring at 24 weeks (she weighs less than 15oz).They also found a small pericardial effusion around her heart that they've been watching. These are all probably side effects of the sudden, preeclampsia that has reared its ugly head in the last 2-3 weeks.

That being said, the doctors don't know how much longer I have before I will go into HELLP syndrome- a serious/life threatening pregnancy complication that requires delivery- since my labs aren't too reassuring at this point. So, our new plan is to stay in the hospital, try to keep my blood pressures under control, monitor my labs several times a day, hope they stay unchanged, and continue growing her as long as possible, until my body can no longer sustain the pregnancy. I'm truly hoping and praying for a miracle at this point- that my body might be healed and that we will go in for a scan in 2 weeks and that she and I will be back on track.But we also know and understand the reality of what all this means. She is our perfect little girl in every way and we want her more than anything. It has been heartbreaking to know what we might have to face. But, after today I realized that all I can do right now is put this in Heavenly Father's hands. He knows . We're just going to take things one day at a time and hope for the best. I will sit here until march to grow this sweet baby girl if that's what it takes and if my body allows. So for now, that will be my plan. We love you all so much and thank you for the prayers and continued support."

Over the next few days, my sweet doctor, along with the specialist, and all of the nurses tried everything they could to fix my blood pressure. We brainstormed together what we could do to keep me pregnant and try to grow our sweet girl for at least another month. We added and increased blood pressure medications, I tried an anti anxiety med, the nurses had acupuncturists coming in to try to use pressure points to lower my blood pressures, I took sleeping pills, I tried resting an entire day with the lights off and requested that no visitors come in. After 2 days though, we realized that despite all of our best efforts, nothing was working, my blood pressures only got worse. On top of the 2 high dose oral blood pressure medications I was on, they were having to rescue me every night with pretty intense IV blood pressure medications and even all of that wasn't bringing it back down to normal. Everyone was worried. At one point the nurses brought seizure pads in and set up suctioning in case I were to have a seizure. I asked Dr. West on the 18th how long they would let me go like this because I started feeling really awful and was starting to have overwhelming feelings of impending doom. I had never felt that before and it was absolutely terrifying. He said that if my labs were to get worse, or if the meds didn't kick in very soon, that he wasn't going to let me go much longer.

That night was one of my worst nights. Our friends had brought us dinner and we were enjoying visiting with them. Out of nowhere I felt the most intense chest pressure and headache I had ever felt. It was so bad that I was getting dizzy. I laid the head of my bed down and I called the nurse. She came in and took one look at me and asked everyone to leave. She could tell I wasn't feeling well. We turned down the lights and checked my blood pressure. It was 190's over 130's. She ran out to call the doctor and came back in with IV hydralazine. She pushed it and after 15 minutes, it had come back down. The bad thing about that medication is that it made my heart pound out of my chest. I always had them bring in an icepack when they gave it to me because I thought I was going to have a heart attack and for some reason, ice helped me feel better. After she brought in the ice, we shut off the lights and I went to sleep.

I want to pause the story right here for a moment to express how incredible my doctor was throughout all of this, he still is! He will always have the most special place in our hearts. He is like family to us. We love Dr. West so much.

The next morning, December 19th, Dr. West came in and with tears in his eyes, told me that he was seriously worried about me. My blood pressures were too high. He was worried that if we didn't do something soon that I would have a seizure, blow an artery somewhere, have a stroke and possibly die from this. He said that he and Dr. Lee had been talking and they had decided that if my blood pressures spiked again that night, they would be scheduling a C-section for the next afternoon. He was heartbroken that he had to make that decision, but he felt there was nothing else they could do. As he was telling me all of this, my thoughts turned to the day before when my boys had come in to visit me and they ran to me and gave me the biggest hugs and told me how much they missed having me home. I couldn't bear the thought of  my boys possibly losing their mom, but I also couldn't bear the thought of losing my daughter. It was one of the most heart wrenching things I have ever experienced. In one last desperate effort, I asked him if we could try the combination of meds I was on with Brooks that worked wonders for me. He agreed to try anything and everything possible at that point. He wanted to fix me so bad and I could tell it was tearing him apart that he couldn't. He told me that he would get the medications ordered and that he was going to check on me several times throughout the day and see that if by some miracle, the new med combination would work for me. We were all praying so hard.

The post I wrote the morning of December 19th. I had so much hope that this new combo of meds was going to do the trick,  they worked so well with Brooks and I thought for sure this is what I needed. I had so much hope, that I was even thinking there might be a possibility that I could go home. I only wish that would have been the case.

danielletinker I miss my boys so much it hurts❤️ Right now we’re doing okay. Trying to take things one day at a time, but those days have been full of lots of anxiety. My labs have been stable, but blood pressures are still all over the place. Were going to try a different medication combination today, one that I was on with Brooks that worked really well. My hope (and it might be a far off hope), is that we can get them under control enough to get me home because right now I’m basically just here for my safety (access to iv meds if my bp spikes, which I have needed every night). But my doctor hasn’t totally agreed to that whole going home thing yet even if they can stop using the iv meds. I just feel like I could rest and heal better at home. Baby girl is doing well, but does appear stressed on the monitors. There’s nothing we can really do but wait and see with her-which has been the hardest and most heartbreaking part. We’re still praying for that miracle that my placenta will take over and that she makes a big jump in growth and that her fluid levels will be back to normal. The doctor talked about rescanning her tomorrow to see if any progress has been made. If not tomorrow, we’ll wait for the 2 week mark. Right now we’re just praying so hard for the best and I’m trying my best not to let my anxiety get the best of me. I have the best Dr, Nurses and Family and friend support. Thank you for the thoughts, prayers, and fasting on our behalf. We feel them and appreciate them.

We started the medications- Aldomet and Lebatelol promptly at 9 a.m. and as promised, Dr. West was in to check on me several times that day. Not only did he come in to check on me, but he would pull up a chair and sit at my bedside and just talk to me, sometimes longer than 30 minutes. I know for a fact that he is an incredibly busy doctor and that he was in clinic that day, yet he still made me feel like his only patient. He always did and he does that for all of his patients. He would even call the nurses taking care of me at 4:30 in the morning on his nights off to check on me. I seriously love him, I always felt so well taken care of. He's the best doctor!

I made it my priority that day that I wasn't going to accept any visitors, and that I was going to keep the TV off and just rest and sleep most of the day. I did not want my blood pressures to spike that night, because if they did, that meant they were going to deliver me the next day and I didn't want that to happen. I wanted Paige to grow and I wanted her to be okay. That day though, I really started to feel awful. I was pale and having weird cold sweats that I had never had before and to top it off, I was getting a cold. 

Again despite everything, I started getting chest pressure that evening, it actually woke me up while I was sleeping. I was heartbroken and in tears as the nurse hooked up the blood pressure cuff and it read 190's over 120's even after all of that rest and being asleep. It was the most helpless feeling. I was so upset. I had tried EVERYTHING! Why was this happening to me? Why was this happening to sweet Paige? I felt so guilty that my body was rejecting her perfect little body. I still do. I knew in that moment, that the next day was going to bring my worst nightmare to life. My worst nightmare as a mom, and my worst nightmare as a NICU nurse. I was going to have a 24 weeker. They came in with the doppler and let us get a good recording of her little heart beat. We didn't know what was going to happen and they wanted to make sure that we had that. I couldn't believe that this was my reality. I was up the rest of the night inconsolably crying, worrying about what that next day would bring. Feeling her kick and move around was absolutely gut wrenching because I didn't want to have to take her out. I felt horrible. Mike and I laid together in my tiny hospital bed, holding my belly, and just prayed. There was nothing else we could do at that point. We were still hoping for a miracle.

December 15th-December 16th

"We each understand that difficulties are part of life, but when they come to us personally, they can take our breath away. Without being alarmed, we need to be ready. The Apostle Peter said, "Think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you." Along with the bright colors of happiness and joy, the darker-colored threads of trial and tragedy are woven deeply into the fabric of our Father's plan. These struggles, although difficult, often become our greatest teachers." -Elder Neil L. Andersen October 2018 General Conference

From the very beginning of the pregnancy, I kept receiving strong promptings that something was going to be different about Paige. Was it because I was carrying a girl this time? Was it because this would be my last pregnancy? Was it my anxiety about something going wrong? I wasn’t completely sure what they meant, but the more the pregnancy progressed, the stronger they got.

In October, as I sat and watched General Conference, it seemed that the main theme, or at least the talks that were speaking to me were about the trials we will face in this life and how to get through them. I thought to myself how lucky and blessed I was that I had never had to go through a significant trial in my life.

A few months later, and just days before I was hospitalized, I was driving home from my parents house, my boys were giggling in the back seat and I remember just feeling truly happy and thankful. Thankful that I had a wonderful husband, two beautiful boys and a precious baby girl on the way. As those thoughts came to me, so did the thought of those conference talks from two months prior. It wasn’t any specific talk, or quote, but it was just the thought of trials. I couldn’t figure out why that randomly came to my mind again at such an unexpected time, a time when I was feeling so happy. But right in that moment I felt as if something was going to be different. I had the strongest feeling that I was going to be facing a trial very soon, and it scared me to death. Looking back, I think it was Heavenly Father trying to prepare me for what was about to happen. I know that he knew what Paige’s journey on earth was going to be.

The next few days, and the month to follow, were filled with the most painful, terrifying, difficult, and heart wrenching experiences and decisions that we’ve ever had to make. At the same time though, they were filled with the most tender, precious and spiritual days I’ve ever had. Days that I will be forever grateful for.

When I saw that my blood pressures were so high at my parent's house that night, I decided to call my doctor's office. As I sat in the chair with my feet up, trying to relax, the blood pressure cuff hanging on my left arm and the phone in my right hand, I proceeded to make the call. I was frustrated that this was happening again, everything had been going so well. I was shaking and in tears as I told the on-call service what was going on and I told them that I needed to talk to a nurse or doctor right away. We hung up and the on-call nurse called me back immediately. She asked me what was going on and I explained all of my symptoms to her. She told me that with blood pressures that high and with the chest and stomach pressure I was having, that I needed to call 911 right away. I honestly did not think it was that serious and told them that I had just driven myself over to my parents and felt fine, other than being a little anxious. The thought of calling 911 seemed a little over dramatic so I told them that I would just have my mom drive me to the hospital to get checked out. They weren't thrilled with the idea, and the nurse was actually getting a little upset with how non-compliant I was being. She kept warning me that I needed to call 911, but I kept telling her no. She finally gave up on trying to convince me to call and told me that it was ultimately my choice, but before she would hang up with me she wanted to make sure I was going to come in right away. I told her I would, and they called the hospital to let them know I was on the way. 

Throughout all of this, I had been keeping in contact with Mike while he was at work. He works as a tech at the St. Lukes Emergency Room in Meridian. I told him that the nurse wanted me to call 911 and that I didn't think it was necessary. I figured the ER would probably just transfer a 23 week pregnant woman right up to triage anyways, so I thought it would be faster if I just had my mom take me, that way we could just go directly to labor and delivery instead of having to go through the ER. He told me he was going to ask one of the ER doctors his medical opinion about my situation. The doctor told him that with those pressures and symptoms, if it were his wife, he would be calling 911 right away. I again told Mike that I would just have my mom drive me, at this point we were already heading out to the car and I felt like calling 911 would cause me even more anxiety than I was already experiencing. My mom and I got into the car and started driving to the hospital. As we pulled out of the neighbor hood, I started having a panic attack. I was scared. I wanted my baby to be okay and I wanted to be okay. They let Mike leave work right away so that he could meet me downtown. Everyone knew how serious it was, we just didn't realize it yet.

When we got to the hospital at 9:30 pm on December 15th at just 23 weeks and 6 days pregnant, we weren’t expecting what happened to happen.  In fact we were laughing and joking and holding hands as we walked up to labor and delivery. Like I said, my pregnancy with Paige had actually been my least complicated pregnancy to that point. We were expecting them to be able to fix my medications and then we would be on our way home to enjoy Christmas with our boys.

We found out pretty quickly though, that not only were my kidneys shutting down, but my blood pressures were so out of control the doctors were afraid for my life and we soon realized, we were too.

My first blood pressure when I arrived in triage was 230/135 and they could not get it to come down. They also had me give a urine sample when I first arrived and they found that the protein in my urine was extremely high. Out of all three pregnancies, I've never seen them move so quickly. They had me transferred out of triage and into a labor and delivery bed before I could even blink. 

When I got over to labor and delivery they immediately started an IV and got me hooked up to several monitors, monitors to watch me and several to watch Paige. There were 4-5 nurses working quickly to get everything going. They pushed several IV blood pressure medications into my IV and started a magnesium drip. They also gave me a steroid shot for Paige's lungs, just in case they had to deliver me emergently. My blood pressures were slowly coming down, but they were still way higher than what normal should be. I don't know if it was denial or what, but I was still oblivious that anything super serious was happening. I knew my pressures were scary high, but they were like that with my boys too. It took a couple of days, but they were ALWAYS able to get everything under control. I wasn't worried! I asked them if I'd be out of the hospital in time to go to work the next night because I had worked so hard to save up a good maternity leave and I wanted to get back, they just looked at me like I was crazy. Looking back, I was crazy.

They finally got me settled in at around 2 a.m. That night was so uncomfortable. Anyone who has been in Labor and Delivery for a long period of time, knows that those beds aren't designed for long stays, they are for laboring and laboring ONLY. I swear there's a board right where your back goes. Also- anyone who's been on magnesium also knows how awful that medication makes you feel. They gave me two loading doses and then had a steady rate running after that. Because it's a high risk medication, the nurses were in at least every hour, if not more than that checking my reflexes and blood pressures, and they had to have sweet Paige on the monitor all night because of everything they were giving me. They had a hard time finding her and keeping her on the monitors because she was so small and she liked to hide right in my hip, so we fought with that all night as well. Needless to say, I didn't get any sleep.

I had them keep the sound of Paige's heart beat up pretty loud because it was so comforting to listen to. I was so excited and happy to hear her sweet little heart beating away. At around 3 a.m. I heard her heart rate suddenly drop dangerously low (into the 40's) and stay low. I started panicking because I didn't know what to do. I was all tied down to the monitors and IV's and couldn't move. I knew the nurse was watching, but I hit the call button anyways. She ran in, thinking that the monitor was possibly picking up some of my heart rate instead of Paige's. She quickly determined that it wasn't my heart rate, it was, in fact, Paige's. She said in a panicked voice, "That is your babies heart rate, I need you to roll to the other side right now!" With her help, I rolled over to my other side. Her heart rate slowly came up, but after that, I was scared to death. I asked the nurse what was going on and she said that it could mean several things. 1. Bad positioning, 2. That it could simply be the side effects of the medication I was receiving. or 3. That something was wrong in there and that she was under distress. I was desperately praying for the reason to be the first 2 options of the three. Her heart rate continued to dip several times throughout the night, so the nurse called the doctor and they scheduled an ultrasound for first thing the next morning.

So exhausted. A picture I accidentally took that night.

All the equipment.

That next morning, Dr. West, my incredible OB, came in to talk to me. By that time, my blood pressures were a little better. He told me that it really scared him to see the blood pressures I was throwing the night before. The plan for that day was to stay on the magnesium drip until later that evening and that he was going to increase my oral medication that I had been taking at home. He also told me that because it was Sunday, they didn't have Maternal Fetal Medicine in the building to do the detailed ultrasound that he wanted done on Paige, and that he didn't want the regular on-call ultrasound tech's doing it, so we were going to wait until Monday morning to take a peek at her. He wanted to make sure he had the best of the best looking at her. He told us that if she looked fine and if we could get everything under control, that we could be out of the hospital by Tuesday. However, he did warn us that he felt this pregnancy was going to be delivered sooner than my boys were at 35 and 36 weeks. I told him to PLEASE just get me out of the 20's. He said he was going to try his best. I honestly could see the fear in his eyes though. He walked out of the room, and we spent the rest of the day resting, updating family and watching T.V. My doctor felt that I was a little more stable and gave them permission to move me over to antepartum so that I could have a more comfortable bed. They gave me a second steroid shot for her lungs and we went to bed. Our ward had had a fast for us that day, we felt sustained by prayers and we were excited to see our baby girl the next day!

20 Week Ultrasound-23 Weeks 6 Days

23 weeks pregnant

From week 14 until week 20 everything stayed fairly stable. At my 14 week appointment, my doctor wanted to do a urine protein test to get my baseline so that if it started to rise later, we'd know where we started. It was a little higher than he would have liked, but it wasn't so out of range that it was worrisome at that point. He assumed my kidneys had probably taken a hit from my previous pregnancies. Because everything else had been going pretty good, I had actually forgotten about it to be quite honest.

In the meantime, I was keeping close track of my blood pressures at home and they were super stable in the 130's/80's. I was pretty happy with that. With Brooks, my blood pressures started to get out of control at 13 weeks. I was actually in the hospital with him a lot more by this point, so I thought for sure my pregnancy with Paige was going to go off without a hitch. I would take my blood pressures two to three times a day and write them on a little log that I had made. That way, if anything started to get out of whack, I could catch it quickly, call my doctor and we could start medication. Everything seemed to be going perfect.

At 20 weeks we went in for our anatomy scan. It was the day before Thanksgiving. I had been pretty nervous for this ever since our genetic screens came back weird. We wanted to include the boys, but I had this intense fear of something being wrong after everything that had happened. We almost decided not to bring them. In fact, we had decided that we were going to leave them home that day and pay to do a scan at a 3D place at 28 weeks so that we could make sure everything was okay and then it would be a good experience for everyone. At the last minute, we decided to bring them. I am so glad we did. Because it would be our last happy scan.

We went in and we were so excited. I was still nervous, but she started at the head and that measured perfectly, with no abnormalities, then she moved to the heart and so on... everything looked and measured right on track. The boys were glued to the screen with great big smiles as they watched their sweet baby sister kicking around. Jace was amazed with her little heart. Brooks loved her little face. I wanted them to check and make sure she was still a girl. She was :) They were such well behaved little gentlemen. It is one of my most happy and favorite memories.

After the scan, we were so relieved. I don't think any of us could have been smiling any bigger. We went to see my doctor right after and my blood pressure was a little elevated. No big deal... it's always elevated at the doctor. I have horrible white coat syndrome. I told him what my blood pressures had been at home and because of the high reading they got at the office, he decided to put me on a low dose of blood pressure medication. That way we could get on top of it and if we needed to adjust we had room to spare. Everything else looked great and he was pleased with the scan.

We left the office and went to straight to Fred Meyers to pick out Paige's first outfits. I had been dreaming of shopping in the girl section for my entire life, so as soon as we found out for sure she was a girl, that's the first place we headed. Each of us picked out an outfit for her. The boys were so excited that they got to pick out something for their baby sister. They both kept coming up saying, "mom look how cute this is!" I was absolutely dying.

Brooks picked out the little cat slippers, Jace picked out the little jammies that say "Beary Sweet", Mike picked out the adorable flowered sweater and I picked out the most adorable outfit with bows to match. It was seriously one of the best days of my life just watching how excited my boys were. They had wanted a baby sister for a long time and they were going to be the best big brothers.

The next week or so went great. We spent Thanksgiving with our families, I took it easy and had no issues. I felt a lot of pressure and pelvic pain if I overdid it, and I was still sicker than a dog, but other than that there wasn't much to complain about.

Thanksgiving 2018 at 20 weeks 4 days. 

At about 22 weeks I noticed that my blood pressures were starting to get higher. Around 140's/90's. I called the office the minute I found out that they were rising. They called back later that day and weren't concerned at all. They told me that they wanted to keep my medications at the same dosage. I thought that was a little strange, but 140's/90's wasn't super crazy for me so I understood. I continued to keep a close eye on them, but maybe not as close as I should have. One thing I did notice and I had mentioned it to several people was that I felt like my belly wasn't as big as I remember it being with the boys at this point. I thought maybe it was just because I had been so sick and hadn't been able to eat as much, I really wasn't super concerned. I was happy with my blood pressures and still so optimistic that this would be my best pregnancy yet.

At 23 weeks and 5 days I had gone to Mike's school Christmas party and stopped by Walmart on the way home with the boys to get a Christmas gift. When I got home, I got the boys ready for bed and we watched a movie, it was a Friday night and Mike was working. At around midnight the movie got over, the boys had fallen asleep, so I helped them into their beds. I felt a familiar pressure in my chest that I had felt in my previous pregnancies when my blood pressure would get super high. I decided to check my pressures... it was 160's/110's. I propped my arm up, laid down for a good 10 minutes and checked it again. It was still 160's/100's and wouldn't come down.

Watching movies with my boys.The night things started going wrong.

I called Mike and told him I was worried, but thought maybe I had just done too much that night. I took a sleeping pill (one approved for pregnancy) and went to bed. I don't know what it is about night time, but my blood pressures always shot way up at night, even when I was pregnant with the boys.

When I woke up the next morning my blood pressure was back in the 120's over 80's. I checked it several times and it stayed within normal range. I was relieved. I spent the day taking it easy and that afternoon we had my nephews birthday party to go to so I got up and got ready.

We went to the birthday party and everyone was asking how the pregnancy was going. Mike's dad always called her by her name and I loved it. He said, "How's Paige doing?" I was so happy to report that everything had been going really well. I told them about my weird blood pressure readings the night before, but that I wasn't concerned because they had come back down. I remember just talking about Paige and how excited our family was for a sweet baby girl. I would have never guessed things weren't okay.

After the party, we were invited to go out to Chinese so we went before Mike had to go to work. We had a nice dinner and afterwards Mike's sister had invited the boys to spend the night with their cousins. I wasn't looking forward to spending the night by myself since Mike was working, but I decided to let them go. I dropped them off and right as I was leaving my mom called and asked if I wanted to go to a movie. She knew I was going to be alone that night and wanted to keep me company. I told her I was pretty tired and had started feeling that chest and stomach pressure again, but I also didn't want to be by myself so we decided that I'd come over, we'd check my blood pressure and if it were okay, we would go to the movie.

I drove over to my parents house and sat down in their recliner next to the Christmas tree. I was feeling pretty strong chest pressure at that point. It was making me a little nervous. I relaxed for a few minutes before checking my pressure... it was 178/114. I checked it again 10 minutes later and it was even higher. I just started crying. I knew something wasn't right and I was scared, but I never would have imagined what would happen that night and over the next few days.

It's a Girl {September-October 2018}

After we got home from camping, my pregnancy continued to go well for several weeks. I'm always pretty nervous until I get into that second trimester because of the miscarriage risk. But like clockwork at 8 weeks, I started to get morning sickness, or as I like to call it, every minute of the day sickness. I knew that was a good sign. As miserable as it was, being sick always gave me that reassurance that things were progressing.

At 9 weeks, two days before my first doctors appointment, I started to have some complications while I was at work, I thought I was miscarrying. I headed straight to the doctor and they did an ultrasound to check on the baby. Mike wasn't able to be there because he was at school. I was so scared to be by myself. When they put that probe on my belly I was in tears. I thought for sure there wouldn't be anything there. The image started to appear on the screen and I was so relieved and happy to see a tiny little heartbeat and a very active baby. Here's the first picture we got of sweet little Paige. 

They told me that I had a subchorionic hematoma. They are very common and I actually had the same thing happen when I was pregnant with Jace. But even knowing what it was and having experienced it before, it still scared me. I continued to live with the fear that I could lose her.

We went to my scheduled appointment two days later and she still looked great. Her heart rate was high- 190's. The ultrasound tech seemed worried about it and went back to check it several times, but when I asked my doctor he said he told us he wasn't worried. I tried not to stress about it, but of coarse I got on doctor google to look up what could be causing a high heart rate. Not the best idea.

Fast forward four weeks to my 13 week appointment. We chose to have all of the genetic testing done. I've always done all of the testing with my pregnancies, not because it would change anything, I would love my baby unconditionally regardless of anything. I just always had the thought that if something were going on, I'd want to know as soon as possible so that I could prepare myself emotionally and have all the resources available to help my baby have the best life possible.

They performed the ultrasound of the neck and it measured perfectly. Her heart rate was back down and everything looked good. I stopped by the lab on my way out to get the coinciding blood work drawn. I didn't think a thing about the lab work the rest of the day or over the weekend.

Monday morning came around and I got up to take my boys to school. I left my cell phone on the counter by accident. When I got home 10 minutes later I had a message from my doctor. He told me not to worry just yet, but that my genetic screening had come back with an increased risk of down syndrome. 1 in 89 chance. For my age that was high. I was absolutely beside myself. I immediately called them right back, barely able to speak through my panic and tears. I asked them what we do from here. They told me I could wait to do the second round of the genetic testing at 17 weeks, or come in that day and have a special test drawn called the maternit21. It's a test that's about 99% accurate in detection of chromosomal abnormalities and that I qualified for insurance to cover it because of my high risk lab results. I told them I couldn't wait, I wanted the test done right away. 

I got dressed and headed into the office. I balled all the way there and just sat there and cried as I waited for them to call my name. In hindsight, it seems so silly now. So many worse things could and DID happen, but at that moment my world was crashing down thinking that something might be wrong with my baby. I loved her so much and I couldn't help but think about all the scary complications this could entail.

They drew my blood and told me that it would take a week for the results to come back. I thought that was the worst week of my life. I laid on the couch and just cried. I was so anxious I couldn't sleep or eat. I spent countless hours researching online, which only made my anxiety worse.

The next Monday morning I had waited long enough. It had been 7 days and I couldn't stand it any longer. I messaged my doctor to ask if he had heard anything. About an hour later, my phone rang. It was the doctors office. I was shaking so bad I couldn't even pick up the phone. I finally answered and the nurse told me that the genetic testing had come back and that it was negative for all chromosomal abnormalities.

I was so incredibly relieved. The nurse told me that although it was a very accurate test, that it was still a screening. I knew that I wouldn't be able to relax until my 20 week ultrasound when I found out that everything was okay with the anatomy scan, and even then I don't think I would truly be able to breathe a sigh of relief until my baby came out okay.

While I was on the phone with her she told me that she had the gender results and asked if I wanted to know. Through all the stress I had completely forgotten that when I had my blood drawn the week before, they told me that this test would be able to tell us early if our sweet baby was a boy or a girl. I was so excited! As tempting as it was to find out right then, I asked her if she could put the results in an envelope so we could do a fun gender reveal with the boys, we hadn't even told them I was pregnant yet. I told her I would be in to pick it up. I also asked if I could just come in and hear our baby's heartbeat. After everything that's all I wanted to hear.

I went in at noon and the doctor came in with the doppler and I just sat there and cried as I listened to her heart beating away. I laid there for a good 5 minutes. I was so happy everything was okay with her. On my way out, I grabbed the gender results at the front desk.

We did a cute little scavenger hunt to tell the boys they were going to be big brothers. I had dreamt about this day for such a long time and had been all over pinterest trying to find ideas. They were so excited! After we told them the news, we told them that we had another surprise... a big balloon for them to pop so that we could find out if they were going to have a little brother or a little sister. We initially wanted to do a big gender reveal party after our 20 week ultrasound, but that obviously didn't go as planned with everything that had just happened. I remember we were just aching for some happy news and Michael and I both felt we couldn't wait to find out any longer... so we decided that we just wanted it to be the 4 of us that night when we found out. I'm so glad we did it that way. (sorry most of these pictures are still shots from videos, so they're kind of blurry)

I can’t quite explain the complete elation we felt, especially me! In my house full of boys, I would finally have my girl and we would get to do all the fun girl stuff every mom dreams of! Bows, hair, cute clothes, dress up, princess movies, shopping, school dances, eventually planning her wedding, throwing her baby showers and witnessing the birth of her children.

That night, we drove to all of our families to tell them the news. My mom was so excited to have her the first grand-baby girl. She went out the next day and bought me a pink maternity top, and some cute pink bows and pacifiers. Mike's parents were so excited for us too!

Over the next several weeks, I couldn't help but continue to be worried about why my blood work was off in the first place. It wasn't like that with my boys. It was bugging me so much that I ended up calling the office back later and asked what levels were off in the initial screenings. The nurse told me that a hormone in my blood called PAPP-A was low and my Beta HCG was twice what it should be. I looked it up and that's the first time "Placental Insuffciency" came up. I asked my doctor at my next appointment and he confirmed that the low PAPP-A hormone could be an indicator that I could have problems with the placenta and with my history of hypertension he said he wouldn't be surprised. He wasn't extremely worried about it. My blood pressures to that point had been amazing. I don't think he or anyone had any idea that this lab was probably the first little sign that something was going very wrong.

From the Very Beginning {July, 2018}

"The past several weeks have been the most difficult days of my life. I have never felt so much emotional pain that it physically hurts. It hurts worse than anything I’ve ever experienced. Worse than any pain I’ve ever felt. Every part of my body hurts. It’s so unbearable that sometimes I don’t think I can make it another minute of the day. I can’t breathe, I can’t think, and I feel like my heart is going to give out at any moment. The worst part of this pain is that it can’t be taken away. It can’t be fixed with medication, it can’t be fixed with visits or kind words from people, it can’t be fixed by getting out and living my life. Right now, I feel like I’m living my life just waiting to die so that I can see you, and in the meantime, living with all of this hurt. That is an extremely painful reality.

People keep telling me, “it will get better with time”, but the only thing that could take all of this away is you. I need you here. I know you’re always with me, but it’s not the same. It’s not the same as physically having you here. Holding you, smelling you, kissing you. My world has been destroyed and I don’t know how to fix it. Not only are you gone, but I feel like I’m gone too. As much as I'm trying, I’m not the same. I’m not the same wife, the same mom, or person in general."

That is part of a six page letter that I wrote to Paige on her first Valentine's Day. Today marks one month that she's been in Heaven. January 24th, 2019, four weeks ago today. The pain is just as real and intense as it was the day that she passed away. The only thing I've found to be some-what comforting, besides praying and talking to her, is doing things that include her. My days are spent looking through her pictures and videos, and the only place I've really gone, besides the cemetery, is to get a pretty box and some photo albums so that I can make a memory box for her. I love sitting down and going through all of her things... they still smell like her. I love talking about her. I love to post pictures of her for everyone to see. I'm so proud to be her momma. The thing I love most though, is writing about her. There's something so incredibly healing and comforting when I get to tell her story and to let my emotions out through writing.

I am a very reserved and private person and Paige's story is so personal and sacred to me. It was extremely difficult to have my baby in the NICU and experience such painful and vulnerable moments in front of my co-workers, and although I only shared a little piece of what happened behind those NICU walls on Facebook and Instagram, I was very hesitant about sharing what I did. I felt like I needed to at the time so that I could have everyone praying for her that I possibly could. We needed all the help we could get. Looking back though, I'm so glad I did. And I feel like, for some reason, I need to share more of her story now. So here I am.

I'm going to pull things from journals, my posts and from the talk I gave at her funeral. For right now though, I'll start from the beginning...

It's such a helpless feeling not to be able to change the past. I want so badly for things to be different. I want to go back to that moment in July when I found out I was pregnant with her. July 26th.

After Brooks was born we knew that we wanted to have a third child, but we had decided that I needed to get through nursing school and get one to two years under my belt as a nurse before we tried to have our last baby. That way, I could just enjoy every last moment of having a new little one at home. We waited 5 long years for her while accomplishing those goals.

That last week of July, I had some exciting things going on. I was working as a NICU nurse at the time and loved it, but had recently decided our family needed a change. On July 25th, I interviewed for a school nurse position and was thrilled to be offered the job on the spot. I was so excited to be able to be on the same schedule as my boys. No more 12 hour shifts, weekends, holidays or summers. I would be taking a significant pay cut, but it was so worth it to me. 

At that point, we had been trying to have another baby for quite a while. After several months of fertility drugs with disappointing results earlier in the year, we had finally accepted the fact that we probably weren't going to have any more children. I had no reason to stay home anymore. The boys were in school full time, so I thought if I could get on their same schedule, I could get the best of both worlds- supporting our family and being around for them more. That is one of the main reasons I chose to interview for the school nurse job. 

July 26th changed all of that, in a good way of coarse. For a week or so prior, I had been feeling extremely tired. I constantly felt as if I had taken a sleeping pill and the effects weren't wearing off. It was the weirdest thing. I thought maybe I was just tired from working too much. I went to my interview on the 25th, and on the 26th out of nowhere, the thought came to my mind that I needed to take a pregnancy test. 

It was late at night when I took that first test, Mike was at work. We had been preparing to go camping for the entire next week and I was exhausted. As I sat on the side of the tub waiting for the results, I noticed a faint double line pop up on the test. It was so faint that I had to hold it up just right in the light to see it. I didn't know if it was really positive or if it was just me seeing things. After about an hour of staring at it, trying to decide if the line was really there or not, I decided I would just take another test in the morning and went to bed. I didn't want to tell Mike what was going on yet.

The next morning I was supposed to go and sign all of the paperwork to start my new job before I headed out of town. I decided that I needed to go to the store and get one of those tests that say "pregnant" or "not pregnant" so that I would know for sure. If I were pregnant, I'd have to seriously reconsider the new job. If I were to have another baby, I didn't want a Monday-Friday job and I knew with my complicated pregnancy history that I didn't want to put our family in a bind financially by taking the pay cut, changing our insurance around, and possibly needing to go on bedrest with no leave saved up.

I went to the store while Mike was out getting things ready to head out of town. He still didn't know what was going on. I came home and took another test. After three long minutes, my suspicions were confirmed. A big "PREGNANT" popped up on the screen. I couldn't believe it! I was so excited that it finally happened, but also had to laugh at the, (what seemed like) HORRIBLE timing. What in the heck was I supposed to do? I just accepted a new job, I'm supposed to sign the paperwork, TODAY. It's so early, I'm maybe 3-4 weeks along...what if I turn down the job and something happens with the pregnancy? 

I brought Mike into the bathroom and showed him the test. There wasn't any time to plan a fun way to tell him. I needed to know what to do. He was SO happy, but I think he also felt a little cheated because I didn't tell him in an exciting way. I asked him what I should do about the job, we were literally about to walk out the door and I was supposed to start the job the Monday after our trip! He didn't know what to do either. We talked about it for a while and we decided that I needed to call my new boss and explain the situation.

I was so scared to call her, but she was extremely understanding. She told me to go on my vacation, take the week to think, and let her know what my decision was as soon as possible.

Even though I got several positive pregnancy tests at home, I wanted my doctor to do a blood test, just to confirm before I made any big decisions. I went to the office, got my blood drawn and stopped at Walgreens on my way out of town to pick up some prenatal vitamins. Mike had left with the boys so they could get a camping spot before dark, so I had three hours to myself on my drive up to think about everything.

I remember thinking that if this was true... if I was really pregnant, how funny God's timing was. I remember smiling when I thought about our family's future and the person this little baby was going to be. And I had a feeling he or she was going to change my life in a big way. I didn't realize how at the time, but all I knew was that I was so happy.  

The doctor's office was going to call me in two days from the time I got my blood drawn to let me know the results.We didn't have cell phone service where we were, so when the time came, I drove down by myself to check my voicemail. As I stood there at that little payphone in the mountains, I learned that the blood test had confirmed the pregnancy. It was finally real and I was absolutely elated! At the same time though, I felt this rush of fear and anxiety come over me. I thought at the time it was because of my pregnancy history and I'm sure some of it was because of that. But it was more intense than I had ever felt.

One thing I know for certain now is that I believe Heavenly Father was trying to tell me from the beginning that something was going to happen. There were several more experiences I had later on as well.

I went back to camp with my exciting little secret and we enjoyed the rest of our camping trip with our family and friends. It was so hard to keep it from everyone. I'm sure they all suspected something was up when I tried to make excuses not to go on motorcycle rides, get into the hot tub or jump off the rock at the river. I'm usually the first one to want to do all of those things.

When I got home, I called my new boss and told her that I wasn't going to be taking the job. My whole world from that point on, would change more than I ever thought possible.